Thursday, June 11, 2009

Zuihitsu on The Strangeness of Beauty

Hey, I wrote this for a class and felt like it wouldn't be a total bore to read like most everything else I write. So now it's a part of this blog.


Zuihitsu on The Strangeness of Beauty

The Strangeness of Beauty is nothing like the Japanese literature I’ve read. It is terribly conscious that an American is reading it, so all of the Japanese terms are explained in-text, and some Japanese terms are abandoned for American ones. Fuji-sama (I assume) becomes “Most Honorable Mrs. Fuji,” and Minatoya explains simple things like split-toed socks and the Obon festival. Our narrator, Etsuko, goes off for pages on Japanese history lessons on samurai manners or the significance of bridal gifts. Instead of feeling like an insider, as I do when I read (translated) Japanese literature, I’m suddenly an ignorant white American, and I resent that. I wish Etsuko felt like she could be herself, and I don’t understand why she’s explaining all these Japanese things.

Etsuko often tells too much. After explaining how she always paused to smell herbs in her childhood home, she says, “I loved the aromas of the drying herbs” (102). As if it weren’t already evident! Another time after Hanae shouts, Etsuko tells us, “Mari’s sudden shallowness makes Hanae angry” (158). Does she have to spell it out? Another thing about Etsuko: she’s terribly self-conscious and doesn’t do anything to fix the flaws she notices. She writes, “I’m growing bored with my I-story. All reminiscence, no action” (110). She doesn’t make it more exciting though; she just reminisces some more. When speaking of Hanae’s seriousness, Etsuko says that adolescence is the place for “self-conscious moping” (70). She should have added “I-stories” as a place for moping.

Despite my problems with Minatoya’s style, there are some things I’ve really enjoyed about her novel. Chie feels like a real old person to me. So many times I think elderly people are simplified as either bumbling idiots or wise sages. Chie can be cruel, but she has feelings for her descendents. Sometimes I feel the same way about my own grandma. I lived with my grandparents for my first two years of college, and I found out that my grandma isn’t always comforting and smiling. She has strong opinions about what I should do with my life and the kind of man I should marry. But despite (or maybe because of) her constant reminders that I should look for a good job or get a better boyfriend, she loves me and wants me to have a happy life. And I think Chie feels the same way about her daughter when she says “you walk like a turtle! […] An intelligent turtle, whose curiosity outreaches its stride” (269).

I think I finally understand what Etsuko was “doing” with her I-story. Etsuko explains how one day she and her husband saw many amateur painters, all trying to paint irises, but with all of their paintings looking the same. Etsuko saw beauty in their mediocrity, because it represented their sincere effort. She says this is the strangeness of beauty: “that transcendence can be found in what’s common and small” (350). I think people like mothers and teachers can understand this, but coolly cynical almost-graduate students like me have a hard time with it. It’s unhip to like things that are popular and amateurish… but if I’m going to enjoy art instead of constantly criticizing it (as I do on the first page of this essay), I need to learn to see the good in things instead of constantly finding faults. At the same time, finding flaws and problems in literature is part of what teachers encourage from literature students. Sometimes I find it difficult to just enjoy a book, no matter how common or flawed it might appear.

Another thing about enjoying the strangeness of beauty is that our culture does not encourage it. Mediocre is no longer acceptable, as shown by grade inflation, my high school declining to reveal class rankings (for fear of parent bereavement?), and motivational speakers urging students not to be satisfied with mediocrity, to keep pushing to do their best. No wonder so many students have problems with perfectionism! But seriously, what’s wrong with mediocrity? Plenty of kids are average. Why does that seem so sad to me? I irrationally value excellence and intelligence, probably because I was rewarded for it so often growing up. In the end though, excellence and intelligence are not enough to make me value life.

Going back to The Strangeness of Beauty, Minatoya captures to “madness of love” (67) when she describes the underwear Naomi sewed for Hanae, and the waistbands sewed with a thousand stitches in hope that they will protect soldiers from bullets. It’s just this kind of thing that makes me think how stupid love makes people. But why does it seem stupid to me? I evaluate others’ efforts by the usefulness or beauty of the things they produce. Hanae’s underwear isn’t useful, and only Hanae and her family can appreciate its beauty. The waistbands with a thousand stitches are neither bulletproof nor aesthetically pleasing. In these cases, it’s not the utility or the beauty of a thing that matters but the love shown by the effort of doing something crazy. I think the “madness of love” is something I can understand a little easier - I’ve done plenty of stupid things in the name of love – but I haven’t valued those things as an evidence of an effortful love. Maybe I should start enjoying my love madness.

The Strangeness of Beauty helped me to understand how my evaluations of literature are steeped in my assumption that the style of literature should be exemplary or remarkable. Even if I didn’t think that Minatoya’s style was perfect, she helped me to see the beauty in her own novel by explaining the strangeness of beauty in the everyday and mediocre.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Dining Rooms

We were discussing a play called "The Dining Room" today in class, and how dining rooms are kind of a lost upper middle class tradition (for example, most new homes in Utah don't have dining rooms). We have a dining room in my house of growing up. We used it for some Sunday dinners and whenever we had company over. We also used it to play cards, build puzzles on, banish children to from the kitchen, and to hide under during hide-and-seek. My mom used it for her sewing and paying the bills. I don't think our house is particularly large, and it isn't a separate room (the only separate rooms downstairs are the den and the laundry/bathroom). I guess I'm wondering why my house had a dining room and many of the students in my class didn't have one, or didn't even use it. I have a dining room in my apartment right now, come to think of it, but I think that's because the house I live in is really old, and dining rooms were more prevalent then. My parent's house is just a bit older than I am. Maybe people buying homes there wanted dining rooms.

Anyway, I don't think having a dining room is very practical, unless you eat all your meals there and then would have more room in the kitchen for preparing food. But I guess the point of a dining room is that you don't eat all your meals there, just when you want to be a little fancier. I tend to think that fanciness is a state of mind more than a state of dress... but how we dress can influence our behavior too.

Another thing that came up in class was parts of the play that bothered us. I remembered one scene where a woman is hostessing a birthday party for her son and the whole time is talking to one kid's dad about the affair they're having. While I was reading it, I was amused. But when I was talking about it in class, I was not compassionate at all. I was like "WHY would people have KIDS if they're not going to take care of them? That's so SELFISH. It really bothers me." And I realized that it wasn't the book I was upset about, it was the cases from work that I thought back on. Where kids are coached to say mean things about one parent, or have to visit an abusive parent. It upsets me most when parents are mean or negligent to their own children. It upsets me even more when an abusive parent thinks she's actually helping.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Madsen Cargo Bikes

Um, this company in Salt Lake is making these cool cargo bikes. I'm going to shamelessly put a banner here to enter their July drawing. Click here if there isn't some image. Madsen Cycles Cargo Bikes

Friday, May 22, 2009

bone to pick

Dear producers of Bones,

In the episode where they're searching for the call girl in LA - she most likely had body dysmorphic disorder, not "an addiction to plastic surgery." You're perpetuating "addiction" as a buzzword and not a specific problem. Thought you should know. I will list other problems as I notice them.

-Whistler

6/29 Dr. Sweets is a psychologist. Stop calling him a psychiatrist. Also, in the episode with the time capsule, if the woman got pregnant at the end of her senior year, her son would be 19 at the youngest at their 20-year reunion (too old to be a high school senior... or perhaps he repeated a grade?).

7/7 the season 3 finale is completely out of character for Zack. I can't believe you betrayed his personality to add suspense and intrigue. Also, what does Brennan have against Catholics? She seems perfectly accepting of other religions (voodooism, Buddhism, etc.)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Unask

Mu. I feel like I'm asking all the wrong questions. Instead of asking "why are people so annoying" I should be asking "How can I learn to love people." But, even if I loved them, they would still be annoying. I don't care about them, but I should, if I'm going to call myself a Christian. I'm not above them, why do I keep thinking that my not caring about celebrity drama, new movie releases, and traditional romance will put me in a position where I can see reality more clearly? It won't. My reality is just as removed from the "real" as theirs is. While I disdain poshlust, I haven't escaped it - how could I? I live in it.

Now I just need to figure out what I'm going to do with all these potatoes.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

A slur, a blur

I quit my job. What a relief. Now it's either find another job or live on the cheap the next four months.

In some strange flurry, I saw Crow again last Saturday. Like snapping a rubber band, it hurts but feels so good. Love it and not sure if I should. Self-distraction to increase self-control futile.
I've got the technique but not the style. Fever and chills, high speeds and cheap thrills. Deduction and reduction, suction and corruption. I've got to stop. Whistler, crop.

I'm not sure where all the free time is going. Reading probably. More cooking. Self-doubt about my graduate program, doubt that I can actually write a paper. More online chatting. As I'm more connected online, I feel more isolated in person. So I've been trying to get out more too.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Royal silent portable



Um... I was at DI yesterday and found a typewriter in the collectibles section. I couldn't pass this chance up, even though it'll need some repairs (and was a little pricey). No, seriously, gorgeous! The glass keys and white letters on black paper are kind of hard to come by. It needs a rubber band thing to make the space bar work properly, and some other repairs (you can see in the first photo that the caps lock is having issues). Other than that, yeah. I think I'm in love.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

New isn't always improved

Something I don't understand is why people like new things: new CD releases, new bestsellers, or new TV shows. There are plenty of old ones to choose from, one that are probably of higher quality because they are still around now. The only exception I see is with scientific research, although there are trends and stupid hypes there too. So, I guess this is part of my ongoing obsession with the past.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

spoons. oh and me getting all introspective again.



There's something I want you to notice about this photo: the spoon. It seems like every spoon in our apartment is different, and some of them are really cute. This one in particular has a design with roses, I think. You might laugh but it's these daily discoveries of art in my life that keep me happy sometimes.

For some reason I was thinking about my ex-boyfriends today. It always makes me feel kind of sad, like sometimes I can't believe they're still alive and have ideas and hopes that I'm no longer privy to (to any of them reading now: hello!). It's hard for me to imagine them apart from me. Maybe that says something about my relationships - maybe I'm too selfish or unimaginative of desires outside myself. I constantly worry that the people I love aren't who I think they are, that my perception is clouded by my unrealistic expectations. I guess worrying about it won't suddenly open my eyes to the difference between how people appear, how I perceive them, and how they are.

I don't know if I've changed at all over the past few years. I'm not sure if it would be a good thing if I did. Maybe I'm destined to make the same mistakes again and again. Maybe making mistakes will be fun.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

then I giggle an hour later when I say hi to my past self.

sometimes when I e-mail documents to myself, I write "hello future Whistler!"

Saturday, April 18, 2009

next I'll be dreaming I have an article published in a peer-reviewed journal

Okay, this is sad. I had a dream that a professor of mine was starting a research group and I was excited to be in it. It was actually a fairly nice dream, aside from the 13-year-old math genius who wanted to be a part of things (actual quote from my dream: "I could get along with an 18-year-old fine, but 13?" oh man I'm getting old).

I'm babysitting my sister's kids tonight and somehow they were all asleep an hour ago. I only had to cheat a little. Oh, and I've been playing "Portal." It's super awesome, but I remembered why I don't play a lot of computer games. I don't care about beating them. If I run up against a hard part, I'm like, "oh well I'll come back to this later" and then I never come back to it. That's... pretty much why I still haven't beaten Chrono Trigger or FF7 (I'm embarrassed).

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

vacation time

Visiting Crow was wonderful, but I hear one of his siblings is on to me... so I'll just embarrass him a little, and express my regret that Smith's doesn't carry country-made French Vanilla ice cream. ;-)

Well, now I'm at my sister's, and I get to play with my nephews all the time. Heh, I always win Nerf fights. My oldest nephew is four and he knows how to play LittleBigPlanet with the rest of us (the game and my nephew are way cute). Fun times!

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

"today this little baby stared at me..."

Okay, for all the complaining I do about my job, there are some nice moments (even if they are shrouded in vicarious embarrassment). Today this little baby stared at me for a half-hour car ride and I got to eat cake and ice cream and watch a kid hunt for Easter eggs and open presents. Later I had to entertain a girl who wanted to play with the copier (rock-paper-scissors only works for so long). And my boss left some salad burritos which she bequethed to me. Yeah, so the pick-up parent was late and I had to stay an extra half-hour, but I can't have my cake and then expect everything else to be perfect.

I am looking forward to taking off 10 days from work though. Um, Crow (the nickname makes sense to me, just get used to it) and I hit it off pretty well when he came down to visit last week, so I'm returning the favor this weekend (the stars aligned with a ride and Rummikub-like schedule switching at work). Normally I like to plan every detail out in advance, but this was like, "okay, let's see if I can make this work, right now." -crazy!

I've been interviewing for a new job, and I find job interviews terrifying. I think condensing myself into three words is absurd, and I also think asking someone if they're good at a job is stupid. Make them do some representative work and see if you like it or not! At least we have office skills tests so I can be like, "look how fast I can type, you definitely want to hire me!" I also really, really dislike misleading (using selective information with) people in order to convince them to hire me. But hey at least I got a few interviews!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Easy English for Russians

Read this excerpt from "Easy English For Russians." I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. It's so surreal! Here's a selection in case you don't want to go to the link:

SOME FOOLS                           НЕКОТОРЫЕ ДУРАКИ
REVERT TO SOPHISTICATED PROCEDURES ПРИБЕГАЮТ К СЛОЖНЫМ ПРОЦЕДУРАМ
TO PROMOTE THEIR PERSONALITY, ЧТОБЫ РЕКЛАМИРОВАТЬ СВОЮ ЛИЧНОСТЬ,
HOWEVER ОДНАКО
THAT KILLS THEIR MORAL IMAGE ЭТО УБИВАЕТ ИХ МОРАЛЬНЫЙ ОБЛИК

1.That fool bored me like hell. 1.Этот дурак мне страшно надоел.
2.He told endless stories. 2.Он рассказывал бесконечные истории.
3.He told flat jokes, 3.Он расказывал плоские шутки,
4.after which he laughted alone. 4.после которых он смеялся один.
5.As for me, I wanted to weep. 5.Что касается меня, я хотел плакать.
6.At such moments 6.В такие моменты
I wanted to murder him. я хотел убить его.
7.I wanted to strangle him 7.Я хотел задушить его
with my own hands. собственными руками.
8.In his stories 8.В этих историях
he always posed as a hero. он всегда выступал как герой.
9.Sometimes 9.Иногда
his artistic ego его артистическое я
was not successful не имело успеха
in realistic terms. в реалистических терминах.
10.But then 10.Но зато
there were moral implications был моральный подтекст
to his advantage. в его пользу.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

livemocha!

Hey guys, I'm on livemocha.com. I have yet to explore everything, but it looks cool. My username is Whistler, maybe we could help each other learn a language... I just wish the Russian courses went past the 200-level. But maybe I could start learning another language? I hate it when I only know a little of a language though...

Cheesy playlist

1. Belle & Sebastian - Step into my office, baby
2. Fleet Foxes - He doesn't know why
3. The Aquabats - Red sweater!
4. We Are Scientists - Lousy reputation
5. Cake - Love you madly
6. Radiohead - My iron lung
7. The Raconteurs - Steady as she goes
8. The Decemberists - O Valencia!
9. Arcade Fire - My body is a cage
10. Franz Ferdinand - Darts of pleasure
11. Cat Power - Could we
12. Death Cab for Cutie - I will follow you into the dark
13. My Brightest Diamond - Inside a boy
14. Cat Stevens - Here comes my baby
15. Radio Dept. - The worst taste in music
16. Muse - Time is running out
17. M83 - In Church (Cyann & Ben Version)

This was a mix I made for a "friend." Little did I know that there is a racy narrative behind it all (read the song titles in order)! Bah ha ha...

Friday, March 20, 2009

eye glasses: important fashion decision while under pressure

I just got new glasses (my last [most recent former] pair was my first pair of glasses ever, it was a big step for me). When I picked them out last week I thought they were black, but it turns out they're this bronze color that catches the light funny... actually I'm not sure if they even used the frames I picked out (I got the feeling they didn't trust my judgement, I hate it when two people try to help me pick out clothes or anything, because I know what I want and don't really care what they think). I wanted black plastic ones like the ones I had before, but all the ones they had screamed "jerk" or "I am trying to be hip." These metal ones feel lighter, but the plastic nose-hold things have additional screws in them, which I think makes the glasses less durable. I didn't really like the selection at my optometrist's, I wonder if I could buy frames online next time (but good luck getting insurance to pay for it, I guess)... like these (via Nerd Boyfriend, thanks for sharing that link bismark). Speaking of eyeframe trends, have you noticed that some people still wear those huge 80s frames? They're not in style anymore (though I applaud the increased visibility, even if they are ugly) - where do people get them? Do I need to find an optomitrist who specializes in vintage frames if I want some 50s horn-rims? There are so many things I don't understand about eyewear.

Monday, March 16, 2009

something happened!

Oh, by the way, I got into freaking GRAD school, that MA program I applied for. I'm so excited! I get to start on the prereqs Spring/Summer terms. Also on my list of prereqs is "ask all the dumb questions you can think of so that the admissions committee wonders what they were thinking when they admitted me." There are some concerning ratings of English professors on ratemyprofessor.com, but part of me isn't worried because I got along a lot of professors who have crappy ratings, let's face it there are just some bitter students out there.

I started reading Heller's Something Happened today. My favorite is the blurb on the back: "When you read Something Happened something will happen to you!" bah ha ha why don't books want to sell themselves anymore? "Once in a decade something important happens in books. In the 1970's, it is Something Happened." One project I'd like to work on sometime is scanning in my old paperbacks and make fun of them (a la pop sensation).

Now please enjoy this photo of my eye!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

I wanted to upload a graph...


This is a photo of the contact paper in one of our cupboards. Also, here is a sneak preview of a graph I wrote up for a Board question (the file library was down, so I decided to upload it here).

Sunday, March 08, 2009

and I suppose he wears shorts in the winter

I was talking to an former co-worker the other day. As usual we were talking about boys... I was telling her about this one guy, let's call him Crow, that I've taken a liking too. I explained how he's really smart but takes a devil-may-care attitude towards grades and has the makings of a real renaissance man. She said, "Oh, I get it, he's a real bad boy to you." I hadn't really thought about that before, but I think I secretly cheer on students who refuse to do pointless assignments and just do the work they need to do to learn the material. That's what I've liked about sitting in on classes these past two semesters - I only did the homework if I wanted to. And that's what makes the most sense to me.

Back to Crow, he's not at BYU at the moment so I have all this time to imagine him as someone he's not. And that kind of worries me, because I know that I've had unrealistic expectations about friends in the past, and it can be damaging. But at least I'm aware that I'm being silly. And I think he might even like me back, a little. He gets along well with children (or so I hear) and I find that really attractive, especially after working with so many people who don't. (P.S. Crow do you read this blog? I have no idea. Sorry if I embarrassed you.)

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Not a joke

This is a transcript of notes I found on an actual sacrament meeting program (incidentally, I found it on the Provo temple grounds, which almost made up for the temple being closed):
Guy 1: There is definetly [sic] something there with her. I don't think I am just stupid. What do you think?
Guy 2: Man, I trust you Judgment and I support you, but 2 weeks is really quick.
Guy 1: This is how I explained it to her : (Makes sense?) You know during fast and testimony meeting, when you get the feeling to get up and share? And you do you best and set it aside, till you can't take it any longer, so you break and go to the front and share. I wanted to tell her I was going to marry her, but the thought "two weeks, two weeks," kept coming up. I don't know.
Guy 2: if it truly is the right thing to do, I don't thing giving it more time will hurt it. like we talked about earlier, it is an eternal decision. Granted, I was only 16 and didn't know anything, but the first 7 months w/ Celeste felt great. then the issues started to come out and we started fighting.
Guy 1: I agree with you, that is why I think Alaska is a really good idea. I think it will be 4 months to gain a better relationship with her.
Guy 2: yeah, I agree.
My commentary: Bah ha ha... the funny thing is that it's a fast Sunday program from 2006... that means that someone kept this in his pocket for like two years (although I guess I've done similar things). --Going to Alaska to strengthen a relationship? So is going to go there without her so they can do the long-distance thing or are they going together? And comparing getting married to bearing your testimony... I'm not so sure about that one... All I can think of is, "you know that feeling, when you're kissing, and you're sure you want to get married RIGHT NOW? yeah..." but perhaps he's holier than I am.

P.S. If this is you or a friend of yours, thanks for the amusement!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Tomato bean sausage soup

Okay, I was making soup today, and it called for 3 cans of beans and a can of tomatoes. I wasn't sure of I should rinse the tomatoes or not (the can said they were in "tomato juice" which could be good for the broth), so I asked my grandma about it, and she was like, "no, don't rinse those" and in reply I said, "but rinse the beans, right??" and she said, "No, and you can use some water to get all the juice out." I already had rinsed and put in two cans, so I was thinking, okay, I'll try this with ONE can of beans. This was a poor cooking decision. My broth was muddy, too salty, and had the grainy feel of preserved beans. Still edible but not the best. Otherwise it was an amazing soup (but it made a ton and it's kind of difficult to get all those cans back on a bike).

Bottom line: Always rinse your beans, no matter what your grandma says!

Monday, February 16, 2009

and would you stop talking in baby talk to your 8-year-old?

Dear parents lacking vital parenting skills,

Your children desperately want your approval and praise. However when you only pay attention to them when they do something bad they will keep doing these bad things so you'll notice them! Take an interest in their lives and stop yelling at them and their behavior will improve. Give them structure and opportunities to be obedient. Praise their success. Oh and don't take yourself so seriously and stop trying to control your kids all the time. Rudely bossing children around is a recipe for creating a belligerent, rude child. Even I can tell this and I'm not even a parent! I'm surprised that your children have not already strangled you.

-had a long Saturday at work

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

and do they go to literary prison?

If English professors are literary detectives, does that make authors literary CRIMINALS?

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Bachelors

So I was thinking about this: how do I feel about dating guys that haven't completed their Bachelor's degree? I am starting to wonder if it's really that important. Maybe I've placed undue importance on education - as long as he's smart and can make money, who cares?

But as much as I'd like to be non-snobby about the education of people I date, I still think education is important (despite how stupid some classes are!). I think getting a Bachelor's demonstrates a willingness to endure ennui and arbitrary assignments for a delayed, abstract reward. Kind of like marriage! Now the only problem is that some guys might be perfectly capable of working for delayed gratification yet not complete their education for other reasons (insufficient funds, job that doesn't require a degree, disillusionment with educational system, etc.). That's all I had to say about it.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

maybe you didn't know these things about me?

- Parties with lots of people kind of scare me. Especially people I don't know. However I can conquer this fear if need be!
- I can be creepy in a stalkerish way and I've been that way since high school. I'm trying to be less creepy. Hopefully this will improve my public image!
- I've spent a summer with each Mozart flute concerto. This might explain my love-hate relationship with them.
- Sometimes I still think my ex-boyfriends are cute.
- I fantasize about composing some great music or a novel. However I realize that both of these industries are highly competitive, and even if I were some kind of genius it would be hard to make any money off of it.
- I frequently used the term "lamerz" until my roommate mercilessly made fun of me. Now I use the term "lame-o."
- I will go to the movies by myself, but I'll feel stupid while doing it.
- I'm always disappointed when a male acquaintance gets engaged. I'm like, "well forget you!"
- I think cooking is boring, but I like the results too much to do away with it.
- I've been trying not to use my inhaler so I can sell plasma soon.
- I know that no one likes it when I sing along with my music. I mouth the words, listening through my headphones, and wonder if other people can tell what I'm saying.
- I'm painfully self-conscious. But you knew that.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

"Again and Again" analysis

The Bird and the Bee came out with a new album yesterday, but I was too cheap to buy it. Instead I watched their music video "Again and again" on Youtube approximately 13 times. Despite the extremely repetitive and simple lyrics, I found myself really enjoying and "understanding" this song. Here are the lyrics, but you should really go watch the music video.
Again and again and again
Do it again
Do it again
Again and again

It's a shame, it's a shame
It's a perfect shame
Creep under my door and we do it again, oh

It's easy and easy and easy and easy
And creepy and creepy and creepy, oh
Again, again, again, again

Again and again and again
Do it again
Do it again

Again and again and again
Do it again
Do it again

Again and again

Say my name, say my name, say my stupid name
It's stupid how we always seem to do it again, oh

You're so stupid and perfect
And stupid and perfect
I hate you, I want you
I hate you, I hate you, oh
Again, again, again, again

La, la, la
Again and again and again
Do it again
Do it again

Again and again and again
Do it again
Do it again

Again and again
The repetitive "again and again" refrain is itself repetitive while lamenting how repetitive life is, and how the repetition becomes meaningless - easy, creepy, stupid, perfect - these all become synonyms when physical actions and habit take precedence over thought and wonder. The "I hate you, I want you" further limns the frustration with dependence on lust for meaningful relationships. The song offers no solution but successfully elicits from the listener the pleasurable boredom of repetition made meaningful by the meaninglessness it conveys. Go post-modernism!

P.S. PLEASE tell me if you know what kind of car is in that music video.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Hostility = endearing?

That Carlton Lassiter character on "Psych" is really cute. Unfortunately I couldn't find any great fansites with like screen captures and whatnot. There are just all the same stock photos...

The question here is, what of Lassie's characteristics are attractive?
-sideburns
-blue eyes
-somehow being an American with straight teeth yet looking Irish
-regret hidden behind hostility
-secure/cool job position
-good at shooting guns
-only smiles when he's actually happy
-often sarcastic
-lack of tact is endearing
-let's face it that gun holster is sexy

In other news I have given in to playing Scrabble on Facebook! Please challenge me to a game if you would like to play. Now please enjoy this photo of a lamp in our apartment:

Friday, January 23, 2009

words describing inner race

I was thinking about a specific type of racial term - a term for someone who "acts" like a different race than they are. Here is the list I am familiar with:

Oreo: Black person who acts white
Twinkie/banana: Asian person who acts white
Egg: White person who acts asian

I think these terms are interesting because it's usually like, racism between members of the same race (although I think "egg" could be used endearingly to a white person with lots of Asian friends?). Also: they are all foods? Are there more terms like this, and if not could we make them up (because I'm racially insensitive)?

Also: I got to watch some crazy Russian cartoons. I recommend hedgehog in the fog.

Now, please enjoy this photo of our ceiling!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Russian blog! Also guess what I applied to a graduate program.

So I spent a little time this evening setting up my Russian blog: http://whistlingindoors.blogspot.com/ (the title comes from the Russian superstition that it's bad luck to whistle indoors). For the two or three of my readers who read Russian, it might be fun times!

Other news: I finished applying to BYU's MA in English program. They have a 40% acceptance rate, so I might actually make it! I think they don't do interviews, which only improves my chances. However, my writing sample was only seven pages when they wanted ten... but better to be brief than to be a bore, I always say. I just didn't have time (or resources) to research and make the argument for Black Humor as a transitionary genre into post-modernism. But perhaps in the future... ! (PS Don't steal my idea. Please?) MTTS comic about grad school.

Sad story: When I graduated I checked out like 30 books to read (with my then-graduate/honors check-out privileges). I kept renewing them until I lost my privliges, and the last books are due February 6th (and I still have about six and a half of them to read). After this I will either have to hang out at the HBLL, just use the Provo library, or actually start on the 40 books or so I have saved up for this specific purpose.

And now for your opinion: Anonymous comments - are they flattering or worrisome? I know Tangerine found them annoying enough to disable them on her blog. Heh, she can't defend herself since she's on a mission (sorry Tangy!).

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Really, not much I can do

I recently found out that an acquaintance of mine is taking some time off to deal with depression (not a reader of this blog). I always feel at such a loss when this happens. Part of me wants to be like, "Hey, I'm completely insensitive and I want to talk to you about all the cool research on depression! Look at all these things you could try to cure your problem!" But I think the best thing I can do is not be nosy, not ask "HOW ARE YOU??", and just generally not be a nuisance (wow, new levels of redundancy!). Maybe I should look back to some board answers - "There is very good scientific evidence that doing fun stuff relieves depression — I am not making this up." bah ha ha... well, while I'd like to be friendly, I have a hard time seeing me being helpful... but perhaps there's something I can do.

Friday, January 02, 2009

2008 retro specteo

What was 2008? It was more than ending a long-term relationship, graduating, going to my first funeral, turning 21 and finding a job in the "real world." It marked new heights in free time, meaning more time for self-exploration, or at least leisure time. And I've decided that I love reading enough to make a life's work of it. 2008 also marked new lows in my self-cynicism, such that I'm hoping against the conviction that I won't make it into the English MA program to which I'm applying. I'm not sure why I want to go back to school so badly when I think the current system is so medieval, and when I think that most professors do research for the wrong reasons. 2008 also calls to mind some roommates who were really messy and with whom I felt frustrated the majority of the time. And while I sometimes fantasize about living in my own apartment, I know that I would feel terribly lonely living alone. So, I'm still looking for the ultimate roommate! Here's to hoping I can do this non-creepily.

Monday, December 29, 2008

guys, I'm not the smartest

It's come to my attention that there are some people in the world who are smarter than I am. This shouldn't be a big deal, but I've defined myself by my above-average intelligence for quite a while, so it's aggravating to admit that I'm not the only runway light bulb in the bunch.

As is the case with most things I don't understand, I did a bit of research on exceptional intelligence. It turns out there are kids who teach themselves to read around age 2, just like Matilda (however, they do not have her telekinetic powers). They get bored in school and have trouble making friends (but then again, doesn't everyone?). Learning comes easily, so studying music theory and writing a symphony in a few months is just another hobby to them.

Learning doesn't always come easily to me. I have to really work at vocabulary in Russian (and English, for that matter). However, I do have a love for learning, and while I'm not quite in that upper 1%, IQ-wise, I'm still up there (despite having gotten dumber since high school, not sure how that happened). So I think I can understand wanting to study lots of different things, and feeling dread at the thought of doing the same thing for the rest of my life. And when it comes down to it, even improbably intelligent people have the same existential dilemmas as regularly intelligent people. Still, I should define myself in a way unrelated to my intellect, and then I wouldn't have these issues.

Okay, I'm going to go read a book to make myself feel smarter.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

ethicality? is that a word?

I had an especially trying day at work the other day. One of our clients compared us workers to Nazi prison guards working in willful ignorance. While we're not killing people, I am pretty ignorant about what goes on at my workplace. Part of me doesn't care and says that I'm just doing it for the money and it's a good thing I have a job at all, but another part of me is concerned. I didn't know anything about my line of work before I started working there... so all I learned about it was from work - I could have a biased or skewed viewpoint and not even know it. I do know that my company is a struggling non-profit and sometimes cuts corners to cut costs, but I've tried not to get upset about that. The thing is, I don't understand why this client thinks I can really do anything to solve whatever corruption has grown into the system. I am completely helpless to change anything except how clean the building is and how detailed interviews are. Even if I knew enough to blow some major whistles, my company going out of business wouldn't change the courts and judges at all. Anyway, sorry to be so vague about things, but blogging about work is always a big neon DANGER sign.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

since when is anhedonia cool

It's of some interest that the lively arts of the millennial U.S.A. treat anhedonia and internal emptiness as hip and cool. It's maybe the vestiges of the Romantic glorification of Weltschmerz, which means world-weariness or hip ennui. Maybe it's the fact that most of the arts here are produced by world-weary and sophisticated older people and then consumed by younger people who not only consume art but study it for clues on how to be cool, hip - and keep in mind that, for kids and younger people, to be hip and cool is the same as to be admired and accepted and included and so Unalone. Forget so-called peer-pressure. It's more like peer-hunger. No? We enter a spiritual puberty where we snap to the fact that the great transcendent horror is loneliness, excluded encagement in the self. Once we've hit this age, we will now give or take anything, wear any mask, to fit, be part-of, not be Alone, we young. The U.S. arts are out guide to inclusion. A how-to. We are shown how to fashion masks of ennui and jaded irony at a young age where the face is fictile enough to assume the shape of whatever it wears. And then it's stuck there, the weary cynicism that saves us from gooey sentiment and unsophisticated naiveté. ... Hal, who's empty but not dumb, theorizes privately that what passes for hip cynical transcendence of sentiment is really some kind of fear of being really human, since to be really human (at least as he conceptualizes is) is probably to be unavoidably sentimental and naive and goo-prone and gerenally pathetic, is to be in some basic interior way forever infantile... (694)

David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest

So there I was, reading this passage, and I realized that it very well could be describing me. I know, I know, part of the cool thing about reading fiction is identifying with a character and then feeling good when this character succeeds, but I try to avoid that and be objective and all. And me trying to be objective says I strongly identify with this passage. So now my cynicism and jaded irony is merely a generational fad? I thought I was being real. I feel as disappointed as a child who has been promised a pony and gets a plastic idol instead. As disappointed as a rat formerly on a variable-ratio schedule but switched to extinction mode and has a really long stint of pressing that little bar without any reward (this was me trying to describe my disappointment instead of saying "words fail me"). My self-concept is ruined! ...oh well.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Embarrassment is likable!

Perhaps surprisingly, the momentary pain of being teased can lead to pleasure. During their 15 seconds of humiliation, the targets of teasing displayed common signs of embarrassment — gaze aversion; a coy, nervous smile; a hand touching the face; a head bowed submissively so as to expose the neck; and blushing. These gestures are ancient signs of appeasement that trigger a reconciliation response in most mammals, as they did in our study. The more targets showed these evanescent signs of embarrassment, the more the teasers liked them.
-NYT Times article, In Defense of Teasing (page 3)

This probably explains why I'm so endearing.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Experimental Literature for the blind?

Okay, great idea of the day: experimental literature... for the blind! "And this was the texture of her face *braille dot braille dot braille dot*" "And the silk had this texture... *blank paper*" It could be... really cool!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

monologue with myself as audience

Ah, so writing this paper is easier to postpone than I anticipated (you know, the writing sample for grad school). I feel like I'm out of ideas, but really I should concentrate on fleshing out the ideas I already have. I'm a little worried that I'll finish it and think it's genius and then everyone else will be like, "obviously you haven't taken any college English lit classes!" But this is a fear I need to face.

I'm becoming more conscious of my wardrobe: I have gotten to the point where I know some of my clothes are just ugly, now I need to find replacements for them, which will probably take a while considering that a) I don't go shopping a lot and b) I'm not just full of money right now (also my weight is in a state of flux? My job is seriously horrible for me controlling what I eat). But I think if I were to say I was going for a certain style, it would be European (that sounds better than old-manish or geriatric). Speaking of being like an old person - I have been sleeping like 10-12 hours every night this break. No wonder I'm like, "where did my day go?" I'm not sure if that qualifies for hypersomnia or not (especially if I can wake up earlier if I want to). Sleeping just seems more fun than most of the things I do.

Monday, November 24, 2008

indifference

Ataraxy

feels like an empty glass
about to go though the wash
a long silence
no one breaks
a passionate poem -
untranslated
or an unopened
love letter.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Mirror's Edge

Dude, if I were more of a hard-core gamer I would be all over Mirror's Edge. According to Wired, it effectively hacks proprioception, meaning that when you run, you as a gamer feel like you're running. Unfortunately the game is from EA and has gross DRM malware. You know what that means. I still have to beat Chrono Trigger, FFVII, and Beyond Good and Evil (oh, and I haven't even started Deus Ex).

See youtube for gameplay shots.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Anarchism disappoints

Here is my newest website find: http://www.alibris.com/. They have used books for way cheaper than the Amazon marketplace, usually. I totally bought 5 books from them the other day (and they'll be cool old paperbacks, too).

I recently re-watched "Fight Club." Unfortunately Provo fight clubs have been outlawed, so I can't go watch it live (however consusual fighting is not against the honor code, in case you were wondering). Besides the psychological contortionism that the plot requires, I'm intrigued by, well, the anarchism. I think it's one of those things (breaking rules, petty vandalism, blowing things up) that feels so cool and fun in the moment but never accomplishes things. So the thing I need to do is find something that feels cool and accomplishes something. Perhaps - anarchistic service? Oh wait, I already write for the Board! I guess I'll just continue in my poor consumerism. Why am I such a tool?

Also, I wonder if Palahaniuk (author of the book Fight Club) had some inspiration, say, from all the existentialist philosophers that preceded him? Beckett's "Ohio Impromptu" also uses a hallucination character.

Friday, November 07, 2008

my little slaves

I think I'm coming down with something. Basically I'm friggin' cold all the time and all I want to do is sleep. Also: I never, ever want to get a messy divorce after seeing all the unhappy divorced people at work and their kids. Granted, I only see the high-conflict divorces, but still, talk about inconvenient/a major pain in one's life.

So being tired for unknown reasons I've had a lot more of those moments when I suddenly feel like, unreal, that I'm just a pair of eyes and my hands don't even belong to me. You know what I'm talking about - minor, everyday dissociation kind of thing. I wonder how paralyzed people feel about their bodies? I mean, I can move my hands and sometimes they feel like they're not me but my little slaves.

Also, I've decided that some day I want to learn contact juggling, or at least some slight-of-hand. It would be so useful. Do you know of any good primers? I should spend some time on youtube. Or maybe I could figure it out myself?

Sunday, November 02, 2008

irrelevent

Everything seems irrelevent, but not in a bad way. Years from now no one will care what books I read or what movies I saw. But in the moment I read them, it makes me appreciate beauty at times, at other times crudeness or sadness. So it matters, in that I feel art helps me be more broad-minded, at least emotionally, but at the same time maybe some other things are more important.

But is it the moment's joy that matters, or how I'll feel looking back on it? Will I remember how important I thought these things are?

Monday, October 27, 2008

Fun times

Sometimes I worry that I'm not interested enough in literature to pursue a master's in it, but then I spend a few hours reading criticism about Bend Sinister, and it just seems fun, and it makes me worry a bit less.

I feel like there's a lot of hero-worship that goes along with Nabokov, and I want to be less an idolator and more of an idol (now that's religiously sound). What I mean is, I don't think any author is perfect, and I want to keep my perspective even while reading things like "only Nabokov could have written this!"

If you're interested in Bend Sinister, let me know and maybe you can help me edit the paper I'm going to write about it (currently I want to do something with personification, but I might end up doing something with windows).

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

In which I develop a minor unrealizable crush

I saw The Painted Veil at International Cinema the other day, and I really liked it. I'm not sure if I actually liked the story that much - a woman falls in love with her husband after cheating on him - but I loved the soundtrack and the main actor's looks/character (usually I don't go for movie-star looks, but I make an exception in this case?). He's so... sad all the time, but not pathetic - it's like he's choosing to be sad (which I find... curious). Also, the 20s fashion is quite attractive (I mean, really who can resist suspenders?). But I keep wondering, why did he fall in love with that woman in the first place, knowing she was spoiled and not exactly his intellectual equal? Once again I am treating fictional characters as if they are real people... oh well. If you ever find an available guy who looks kind of like this please tell me about him (assuming that he is passably intelligent).

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Money's slave

I hate it, but I feel like a slave of money, or at least a servant. Oh you want me to work 3.5 hours on my day off? No I don't have anything planned. Oh you need me now? I can skip the class I like going to. This is seriously annoying. I can't wait until I have a real job where they don't have to know that I have nothing planned most of the time (except, you know, making pancakes, which I felt didn't qualify). Did I mention I hate thinking about money?

Lately I've been noticing that I'm really insecure about my individuality, because I know I'm probably more like other people than I'd like to admit. Maybe that's why I get a kick out of being so nerdy, it shows how I'm different. I mean - maybe not everyone likes modern literature (I can't really imagine why not)? And that's why it bothers me to hear Keane on the radio, because I thought they were this indie band last.fm was recommending to me, but it turns out they're in the same boat with Coldplay (by the way, I downloaded their new album, which was on sale from Amazon today only, and it wasn't half bad, although I still think bands should write their own music).

One of my only recently conscious goals is to become a polymath. I think that's why I like House and Nabokov's novels so much. The thing is, I'm not sure if I like knowing things for the sake of knowing them, or if I like knowing things because someone else doesn't know it. 'Ya know?

Also, I've taken to being annoyed by people in high-paying jobs who think their time is more important than anyone else's. But really, the rest of the world doesn't care! Examples: doctors, lawyers, therapists. I think that's a big reason I don't want to be a therapist - I'd end up being all self-important and used to clients worshiping me, and then I wouldn't be able to interact normally anymore (assuming that I ever interacted normally). Professors can get that way too, but I think they need to protect themselves sometimes from students who don't know how to read (hey look, I'm already on the way to being a self-justified prof). I'd rather be a professor though, because no one actually cares about them (besides you know, creepy students like me), and they get to just do their own thing most of the time.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Actual conversation in front of Smith's

Man with Beret (MwB): You know, people who wear berets are pretty amazing people.
Me (carrying a backpack full of groceries, unlocking my bike): Yep... pretty much
MwB: Where'd you get yours?
Me: I don't know, somewhere on sale for a buck.
MwB: Czechlosovakia.

Suddenly I feel insecure not having some kind of story to go with my beret! Perhaps next time I can make one up. I feel like such a poser.

Also, my firefox crashed and now the built-in spellcheck no longer works. Help?

Monday, October 06, 2008

Quilty


I watched Lolita over the weekend - the Kubrick 1962 version. It's weird, but I found Quilty (center in this snapshot) to be really hilarious, despite his implied depravity. It's strange because I didn't find the actor nearly as funny in Dr. Strangelove or The Pink Panther. I think I liked that he was fooling Humbert all along... I like knowing what others don't know, I appreciate it when I can be smug with someone once in a while. How horrible!

Vanishing

Usually my job isn't too difficult - just be constantly vigilant, take notes, keep track of time, etc. However, every now and then I have to deal with separated people being really petty to each other, and I have to be polite to them while they do it (make copies of their notes to each other, read said notes, etc.). It stresses me out a lot, and sometimes I wish I could say, "yes, your ex is being immature, but so are you for making such a big deal of [parking, clothing, photographs, etc.])." So to make up for having to be polite at work all the time, I may be especially cheeky (I know, I'm cheeky anyway, but now I have an excuse?). I hate how I'm powerless to change anything at work, or if my notes do change something I'll never hear about it. Why can't people just be good to their kids and spouses in the first place?

I feel like I'm constantly doing things yet accomplishing nothing. I'm not sure how this is happening, but I dislike it. I feel like I'm missing something but I don't know what it is. Like a vanishing point, my nebulous goals seem constantly out of reach. I feel like giving up on achieving anything - that the cult of achievement has led me astray, but that I have no where else to go and that I'm stuck with creating goals and falling short of them. Progress is an illusion.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

World of Soundtrack

If you were ever searching for a soundtrack but couldn't find it, check World of Soundtrack. Possibly my favorite find of the week (Charade! Also Tabarly).

Friday, September 19, 2008

Nabokov also loved bad movies

"Nabokov's opinion of the movies, was, nevertheless, ambivalent. It is apparent that he had little patience for 'the grotesqueness of cinematic cliche.' Friends described how he would 'single out intentionally an inept American film' and 'literally shake with laughter, to the point where... he would have to leave the hall.' " -The Cambridge Companion to Nabokov

Does this remind anyone of Bad Movie Night?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Biking in the dark

Yesterday I went on a bike ride in the dark. I went on a bike trail, and it was kind of scary. A bunch of vultures bobbing their heads on a tree stump ended up being some wild sunflowers. A few skateboarders zipping by barely slid out of a collision. Night skateboarders of Provo, I apologize for blinding some of you. I figured out that my headlight was actually decreasing my ability to see the road and rode back mostly without it (it's good for on the street with other cars, but mostly just blinding on a bikeway). I rang my bike bell about every minute, feeling like a deaf bat. Somehow I ended up back home alive. The end.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Around my neighborhood

Last week I felt pretty antsy and I ended up riding my bike just around Provo in the evenings. There's more to north Provo than I initially thought, but eventually I remembered the area from some of my freshman walks. I haven't explored south-eastern Provo much until a few days ago. I didn't even know we had a Mexican food store. One boy said to me, "Hola, senora" (Uffish: "haha... he called you old"; at least he didn't mistake me for a boy). Then I thought, "maybe I should have studied Spanish, I would have more opportunities to practice." Oh well. I should mention that recently I've gotten more aggresive in my bike riding - I'll actually use the road and left turn lanes now, telling myself that I am "asserting my rights as a road-using vehicle."

I've been to the Provo library a bit more than usual this week (our router got fried), and it's interesting to see the types of people who use the computers there: the married girl who used to be in my ward, probably checking her e-mail, the teenager commenting on a friend's myspace, the high school hopeful applying to jobs, and the creepy guy listing "missed connections" on craigslist. It's also educational to see the difference between a university library and a city library... the Provo library definitely has a higher percentage of self-help books and kind of trashy pseudo-science books. It kind of makes me sad, because I used to think that if something was good enough to be published, it was probably worth reading, but I've recently found I was mistaken.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Two years

So, I've had this blog for two years since Monday. To me, it's hard to strike a balance between "too much information" and "too obscure;" lately I've only been writing when the material is better suited to blogging than the written page (I also dislike addressing my readers too often or asking people to leave comments, but in this case I make an exception). To take a page from CPM's book, I'd like to get some reader feedback: are there any particular topics you would like me to write about? I can write about stupid jokes I hear, literature I read, things I find online, or I could give bad poetry another shot (...nah). Anyway, in the absence of feedback you should expect the same sporadic quality from me that I've been giving you... for free!
Did you know that Boston Harbor Light station is the only lighthouse in America with a keeper? So much for my dream of becoming a lighthouse keeper (source).

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Types of Internet Pirates

So, I've decided that there are a couple of different types of Internet pirates. I was going to make an online quiz about it, but couldn't get the website I was using to work. So here's how I see Internet pirates:

The Leecher pirate - downloads torrents of stuff without uploading it back. Will download special software to achieve this purpose. Never uploads his own stuff and downloads movies and albums before they're out. Has a couple of terabytes of stuff. Basically shameless.

Upstanding pirate - usually uploads as much as he downloads, downloads CDs and movies he can't find anywhere else, and buys what he downloads when it's available, because he feels guilty about his piracy.

Benevolent pirate - Creates new torrent uploads of highly-sought material; converts LPs to mp3s, has a friend in the academy he can get quality DVD rips from; basically internet piracy depends on these people.

Special-interest pirate - continually uploads a certain film or computer game. People like this keep older downloads alive.

Casual pirate - downloads every once in a while. He doesn't think much of it, this is pretty much the largest portion of internet pirates (people-wise, not bandwidth-wise). Usually has a disorganized music collection.

Old-Fashioned pirate - Doesn't know about or doesn't use torrents. May use P2P, but more commonly borrows friends' CDs (or the library's) and rips them. May record songs directly from the radio into an mp3 format or onto a tape deck. May taperecord or transfer from DVR to DVD favorite movies and shows. He has a direct, nearly anonymous, and quick way to get pirated media, but his selection may be limited, depending on his friends. Technically an old-fashioned pirate shouldn't be in a list of internet pirates... so maybe the list should be "media pirates"... your grandma could be an old-fashioned pirate...


Completely unrelated, but I got my hair cut a little like that picture I posted last month. I like it.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Who would have guessed

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Strong and spirited. You're no one's girly girl; actually you are very determined person with a strong sense of self. Never let go of that! The only thing that equals your sense of self is your family, but the traditions of society can always be bent to protect something or someone you love.

Which Disney Princess Are You?


This quiz was kind of fun, and not all the answers were transparent to me. Also, let's face it, everyone likes hearing about herself once in a while.


Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Ironic mental processes

The ironic processes of mental control (Wegner 1994) suggest that there are times when it might be good to stop planning and striving. It is often possible to try too hard. The initiation of plans for action and for thought is normally a useful enterprise, of course, as it typically leads to the exercise of successful operations of mental control. We plan to stand up and we do so, we intend to concentrate and we do so, we intend to relax, to sleep, to eat, to go outside, or to write a letter, and we do so. However, sometimes the formation of a conscious plan leads to a paradoxical effect - the implementation of the plan creates the opposite of what was planned. ...when we try not to think of something, we seem to create an automatic and ironic tendency to think of that very thing. The usual usefulness of our planning and intention procedures makes us go ahead and try to do many things, even those that have inherent ironies.
-Daniel M. Wegner, The Illusion of Conscious Will

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Dream hairstyles

Every once in a while I fall in love with a hairstyle I see in a movie or book. I really liked Amelie's hairstyle (in Amelie), and I kind of liked Trixie's hair (in Speed Racer). But they have black hair, which I would undoubtedly look sickly and ugly in (not to mention it's straight). So it wasn't until I watched Wild Strawberries that I really liked a hair style that I could actually have one day: Sara's hairstyle. It's short, yet girly, but not annoyingly so. I'd like to just walk into a salon and give them these screenshots and say, "cut my hair like that!" Does anyone know if it has a name ("poodle cut"? that sounds horrible! The sides are a little different I think)? I'm not sure I could pull if off, though. The movie itself was great, by the way. It's about a professor who realizes he's been mean to people, but only at an advanced age.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Found it

For years I have been looking for this Russian movie I saw when I was in high school. I could only remember vague details about the plot - there was a boy, and he was in the snow a lot, and there was an older woman who worked at a printing press, and it was really artsy and all. I finally found out what it was today! The Mirror, directed by Tarkovsky. Yes, I'm feeling very satisfied at the moment.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Another departure, another road

A professor of mine died recently - earlier this month in fact - but I didn't find out about it until yesterday. I was thinking about Dr. Inouye, and how he sincerely believed in all of his students, but he managed not to be too serious all the time (he would start telling a joke in the middle of a lecture, and for the longest time I had trouble telling when he was joking and when he was lecturing). He loved making horrible puns, which of course reminded me of my family and my high school band teacher (seriously, what band teacher doesn't like bad puns?). It was for his class that I made this other blog, which as I look back on it, seems horribly dramatic and over-philosophized. I'll probably think the same thing reading back on this entry in two years.

He was a strong supporter of learning as an eternal principle, which, upon examining my own beliefs, is one I've adopted myself. I am beginning to think of my learning as part of my religion, as strange as that sounds. I think that explains why I get so annoyed at students who don't appreciate that they have a great opportunity to learn, students who don't milk their classes for all their worth. I'll admit I'm guilty of it sometimes, but most of the time I'd do the assigned reading, ask tons of questions in class, and seek out professors who I felt had more to offer than the small share of information imparted in class. I'm also getting increasingly frustrated with how stagnant most professors are in their way of teaching. So all this contemplation about education made me think that I should look into graduate school in education, not just literature or psychology. But I think in some ways it would make me more unhappy to study education...

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Confession:

I've always wanted to take my manual typewriter to the library or a coffeeshop and start typing, ala improv everywhere's mobile desktop mission. I don't have the guts to do it though.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

Russian DOS games

If you're a Russian student and you want to play a Russian game, I recommend Heli. Basically you're a little helicopter that matches an English word to a Russian one. Some of the vocabulary seems simple, and it's a little frustrating that it doesn't tell you the correct answer right afterwards, but it might beat actually making flashcards (you'll need winrar to decompress it and DOSbox to play it). I'm still looking for some Russian adventure game, let me know if you find one that works.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Hidden cost of happiness

Happiness in children may impair attention to detail. (I have the PDF if you want it)

I'm not too worried about this, because what child is happy every single minute of his life? But it brings up a good point - different moods are useful and we shouldn't say one is better than another just because it's more pleasant.

----------------
Now playing: We Are Scientists - The Great Escape

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

FREE EDUCATION

Ahhh! I'm so excited! Podcasts of an entire course on existentialism in literature and film, from UC Berkeley (via free online courses; scroll down for behavioral neurobiology, awesome)! I can keep pretending to be a student, oh, I am so happy.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Internet Adventures


Okay, recently I joined pmog.com after my brother mentioned it to me. I'm not very interested in the role-playing part, but I am interested in how I'm learning about internet sites I had never heard of before but are still interesting to me. The "missions" you can go on are basically guided tours of different sites, and some are very informative. I recently took one about Last.fm applets, and was introduced to the recommended artists generator (although lots of things can recommend artists to you), as well as the music "openness" test (I scored 121, the graph is to the left; "fractured disco" was the least listened to at .09%, haha). I also revisited the great freeware database of games in some retro-gaming mission I went on (and have been happily playing an adventure game from it).





Food Experiments: Chili

So, perhaps you recall my experiment with chili last year: I combined it with rice and ate it in a tortilla. This was a good combination as it lengthened out my chili and made it more digestible (a good trait for foods I eat). Tonight I decided to combine chili with spaghetti and tomato sauce (apparently chili spaghetti isn't that weird of a dish).

The spaghetti didn't stick to the chili+sauce as well as it does to the sauce alone, and the chili beans had this habit of falling off my spaghetti-laden fork, so I ended up eating them seperately most of the time (but when I got the right combination it tasted almost identical to the rice and chili). I think rice is a superior partner here, as it combines more evenly.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Amazon mp3 deals

Guys, guys. The Decemberist's album Picaresque is on sale today for $2.99 from Amazon mp3 (look on the right sidebar here). If you haven't heard it yet, I highly recommend you buy it. I also recommend Amazon's mp3 album deal of the day (they are 320 kbs, if you were wondering). That's all.

The Clash

So, I convinced one of my professors to share me some* music, and he included The Clash on one of the CDs he gave me. At first I honestly couldn't stand the vocals - poor enunciation, yelling, etc. But after the fourth or fifth listen I really got to liking them! It's nice because if you sing along you feel like you have a good voice, and the music itself is really quite versital. Yet another instance of anecdotal evidence supporting the mere exposure effect (you like familiar things more than unfamiliar ones, basically, which explains why proximity plays such a role in initial attraction in romantic relationships, etc.). Um, I also got a manual typewriter the other day and I really like it (except I end up neglecting my pinkies in favor of my stronger fingers).

*like that construction of "share"? I thought that I made it myself, but it turns out there are 92,000 Google hits for "share me some."

Friday, June 20, 2008

Survivor

My little Cruzer flash drive survived a load of laundry! I'm so relieved. I guess it's because it's just soap and water, so it's not actually hurting any of the parts that matter. Phew.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Baudelaire was an emo poet?

...For look - I am at war, my dear,
With the whole universe. I know
There is no medicine for my woe.
Believe me, it is called Despair.

It runs in all my veins. I pray:
It cries in all my words. I am
The very glass where what I damn
Leers and admires itself all day.

I am the wound - I am the knife
The deep wound scabbards; the outdrawn
Rack, and the writhing thereupon;
The lifeless, and the taker of life.

I murder what I most adore,
Laughing: I am indeed of those
Condemned for ever without repose
To laugh - but who can smile no more.

-Heauton Timoroumenos from
Flowers of Evil by Baudelaire, trans. by George Dillon

Colours Are Brighter

Colours Are Brighter

An album of hip children's music. Streaming from their site! Recommended.

Monday, June 16, 2008

A letter

To the young man who sat across from me in the library:

The Stuff of Thought is a good book. But don't read Psychology Today. Even Scientific American: Mind would be better, or Seed (granted, the Provo library doesn't hold those titles). Also, nice shoes. That's all.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Advice column

If you have been looking for a more vulgar version of The Board, I recommend "We Are Scientists"'s advice column. Also, Franz Ferdinand is coming out with a new album this year! In October.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

These shoes have a name


They are called winkle-pickers. I've always wanted to know. They're part of the Mod retro style.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Adventures in Music

Recently I stumbled upon gnod. It's a... an artificial intelligence project? It looks at things people like and makes maps out of them. It's helped me find some cool music. I've also been just looking around for music (on Pandora, on blogs, etc.). So here are the best artists I've heard recently (you can look them up on imeem.com if you want to listen to them, even Rautavaara! If you have problems with imeem, just disable adblock on that site... sometimes there's a price to pay for free music):
  • Rautavaara: for people who like the modern side of Shostakovich
  • Radio Department: for people who like The Postal Service.
  • The Foals: a music child of Of Montreal and Philip Glass? Dude, rad.
  • Ladytron: think a modern Depeche Mode with a female vocalist. Also, more existential lyrics.
  • Origa: Kind of along the Ladytron line, only more Russian and Japanese. She did the opening song for Ghost in Shell... so she's cool.
  • Laura Veirs: way way cool, think The Decemberists but with a female vocalist (and not as gritty)
  • A Hawk and a Hacksaw: Classical folk music? I'm excited to somehow get ahold of their albums. That guy from Beirut has sung with them.
  • Devics: I have one of their albums. Great dream-pop (I still don't know what that genre means). It sounds kind of singer-songwriter, but cooler.
  • Morcheeba: I found their album Antidote in the BYU library (not to be confused with the Foals's Antidotes). It's... it's got some nightclub-style vocals (not sure what the correct term is, wikipedia says they have blues, pop, rock, and trip hop influences. GREAT). I like their song "Everybody Loves a Loser."
  • Gregory Page: He's written some nice ballads and came up on my Beirut Pandora station. His record sounds a little unpolished, but it's a charming sort of unpolished. I'm also amazed at how much of the production he did himself. Let me know if you want to borrow his album Love Made Me Drunk. The only thing I didn't like was the use of flute in one of the tracks. I'm a flutist myself, but I find that a lot of times flute just sounds lame in pop or folk music (sorry... it was a good thought?). Morcheeba used piccolo very effectively on one of their tracks though (it was more of a musical effect than a meldoic part).
Guys I am on the path of becoming a snobby music elitist, as we all know that making lists of recommendations is the first step on that primrose path. Yay? Also, feel free to comment with music recommendations. I know ThirdMango sent me a recommendation recently, but I can't remember their name... some European group I think it was. I have yet to check out that Iron and Wine group, and their description sounds cool (folk rock).

Friday, May 23, 2008

Memory loss!

So I was cleaning out my wallet and I found a receipt for $92... I was like, "what the crap did I spend that much money on??" I was a little worried that I had gone out a bought something without my own knowing, or perhaps it was a clue left by my impersonator! So I looked up the company. It was for my glasses. Duh...

Scientific American has an article on blogging: "As social creatures, humans have a range of pain-related behaviors, such as complaining, which acts as a “placebo for getting satisfied,” Flaherty says. Blogging about stressful experiences might work similarly."

Bahahaha

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Purge

Now that I am through with classes, I'm terrified that I'll be bored. I always manage to keep myself busy though - I have lots of books I want to read, movies and shows to watch, instruments to learn, and skills to master (in this case... piano technician skills). I really don't like my job (data entry), but I'm good at it, it pays well, and I currently have no replacement, so I feel a little stuck there.

Lately I've been trying to get rid of clothes that don't fit me... I had all these shirts that were too wide and the sleeves were too short, and I was very glad to purge myself of them. Unfortunately I'm still having difficulty replacing them, probably because I never go shopping for clothes unless I'm at DI. Speaking of which, I recently bought a bunch of cool books at DI for way cheap. Yeats for $1! I am so excited.

I recently finished downloading the docudrama "The Doctor Who Hears Voices." I haven't seen it yet, and I'm afraid it will be really cheesy. I mean, docudrama, come on! It sounds like it's in the same genre as mockumentary or soap opera.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Memories of friend's houses in childhood

I was listening to a radio show on Proust this afternoon, and today I seem to be remembering my childhood. Specifically, friend's houses.

My neighbor friend, Jeff, had a house that smelled like cinnamon, and his mom made great sugar cookies. We played this board game, I think it was called Labyrinth, and it had pictures of little monsters. In the summer sometimes we'd go outside, and once I had a cherry tomato, although I was disappointed that it didn't taste like a cherry. After Christmas one year, Jeff got a lego castle set. It had a drawbridge you could open and close. There were copper dough molds on the walls, and they had a copper-colored dog named Rusty.

Summer afternoons, we would eat macaroni and cheese out on the patio (this is a different friend). They had a picnic bench with an umbrella, for shade, and it was always in the wrong spot. After lunch we would get otter pops from the freezer in the garage. There was a kid's table that had a scratch n' sniff sticker on each corner. I was always trying to sniff the pizza-flavored one. We made miniature golf courses in the sandbox. It was cool when we could make an arch that the ball could go over and under. There was a large bush on the hill, and we would play in it and on it. It was kind of prickly though. Their computer was in his parent's room, and it was right next to a window, so his mom could see from the backyard if we were still playing a game.

At Lisa's we would often play super Nintendo together. We played Super Mario Bros. 3 and Donkey Kong 2. We also played Aladdin. I was never very good at the games, probably due to my lack of practice time. She had lots of Barbie dolls that we would play with, and we would trade Sailor Moon cards from the quarter machine in Toys R Us. Her mom had a collection of elephant figurines that we would look at sometimes. There was one made of pewter, supposedly cursed, that looked like it might steal your soul. Once I started eating a huge bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats, but my mom came over before I could finish it. I felt really bad about that. During one of Lisa's sleepovers we did a play of the movie "Chucky," which I had never seen. I was a very good actress and screamed quite convincingly.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Books want to be read, research says

New research from the University of Winnapeg in Teluma, Kentucky shows that books are designed to make the reader want to finish them. "Chapters are shorter and end in cliff-hangers. These are all designs to keep readers feeling like they're covering a lot of ground and to keep them curious about what happens next," says Dan Sharpe, first author of the article entitled "Ways books help themselves: The changing novel in the 21rst century."

"Back in the day, books only had to have an interesting first five pages. Now readers expect an interesting first 100 pages." Sharpe says this increasing demand from books is the result of our fast-paced electronic era. Steven Bloom, a used bookstore owner from Lehardia, agrees: "You can now find book reviews in a few seconds using the Interweb. It makes it much more difficult to sell a book that might be more difficult to read."

However, the advent of the Internet has also allowed book buyers to find more books they want to read, with GoodReads, online book groups, and Amazon's "if you liked that you will like this" feature. Time can only tell what the future of the novel holds.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Easily confused things

-Sons and Lovers and Fathers and Sons (and "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers," at some point)
-Mel Brooks, Mel Gibson, and Garth Brooks
-"onomastic" and "onanistic"
-Kuragin and Karagin in War and Peace
-
Bob Marley and Bob Dylan... until you realize that one is totally reggae and the other is folk rock!
-Led Zeppelin and Jimi Hendrix (they both have... rare letters in their names!)
-All The King's Men and All The President's Men
-Dr. Zhivago and Dr. Strangelove (people? books?)
-"Cat's Cradle" the Cat Stevens song and Cat's Cradle the Vonnegut book
-Virgil, vigil, and virginal
-etymology and entymology
-Guns and Roses and Iron and Wine
-philandering and philanthropy
-Bob Dylan and Dylan Thomas
-fornication and formication
-other things that I will think of and add later

Thursday, April 17, 2008

research paper... on fiction?

I'm attempting to put together a research paper about Anna Karenina, specifically, the psychology of Anna and Kitty's illnesses, which are caused more by psychosocial stress than anything physical. But stress affects people physically! That is the least of my worries. I feel weird saying that characters in a novel exhibit features of a mental illness. Am I trying to diagnose a made-up person? The world of fiction is separate from ours! I am imposing science's reality on Tolstoy's diagetic reality, and it isn't jiving with me. "Not jiving" is a poor excuse though, so I'm going to have to write the paper anyway, even though I disagree with the whole idea.

Why am I having such a hard time with this paper? My last research paper practically birthed itself, although then I was mostly summing up research rather than analyzing a text with the analysis supported by research. The two epistemologies are so different! Writing this paper is like trying to explain why we like apples by putting a slice under a microscope and describing its structure. It's just so much easier and makes so much more sense to be superficial... the apple tastes good because it's sweet, there. Granted, it doesn't take up 12 pages...

Monday, March 24, 2008

Too late

Why didn't anyone tell me about this last October??

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Destination: Uncertain

I didn't make it into any of the graduate programs I applied to. I wasn't surprised, because they're very competitive, but all the people who were said, "you'll get in somewhere!" were like, "what!?" So I don't know what to do with my life now. I'm not sure if I even want to go to graduate school, it was just the next step in the path I was headed. It's really frustrating. I felt like this was like my destiny in life. So I'm considering reapplying, maybe not this year since not much will have changed, but maybe the year after. Maybe I could join the peace corps and my knowledge of Russian would actually come in handy. Maybe I could just work odd jobs... I don't know, learn how to tune pianos (I think instrument repair would be really fun). Or I could become a wandering street musician. Or a bum? A life of no connections is kind of appealing in a way... the Buddhist dream! Maybe I'll just keep my part-time job as long as possible, and in all my free time just read books and play video games. I could do some volunteer work to pad my Vitae for grad school... but yeah, I have no idea. It's kind of exciting! but also, really annoying. Suggestions about things I would excel at?