*sound of frustration*

I feel really frustrated with my internet addiction, and you, my dear blog, are part of it. I'm usually not one to procrastinate but lately I think I've been getting worse. I hope I can keep it together this semester. I've been acting funny lately - displaying inappropriate affect, being rude to people, making dumb jokes (more dumb than usual), talking to myself, being self-effacing, etc. I think reading my abnormal psych book creeps me out. I keep thinking of people I know who could have these different disorders, but then I remind myself that I'm overpathologizing. But at the same time I have to come to terms with the fact that I have a stressful life. Granted, it's not as stressful as many people's lives. But you know, maybe stress is like a gas that just fills up life no matter how much there is. I would complain about everything but I hate reading about how some people think their lives are sooo hard when it's really not that bad, and I'd prefer not to elicit contempt.

Rectangle screen
your black edges
don't seem mean
but I get trapped in hedges
when I caress your body
a strange portal to connection
when will I be free
from this life in sections,
pages, codes, and letters
where anonymity seduces the weak
and leaves honor in fetters
in such silence, I cannot speak.

Problem-Solving Applied

So I made a new blog for my IP&T class. It's pretty boring, but I thought I'd inform you of its existence. I haven't had any deep thoughts lately, although I've been trying to reconcile my want for affection and my want to avoid any kind of committed relationship (basically I feel like it would be unjust... seeing as how I hate feeling owned). The obvious solution is NCC (non-comittal cuddling), or sublimation (converting sexual energy into something useful). Yes, that's right, I just wrote "sexual energy." I wonder if it's measurable. Wait, I'm not sure if I want to know. ...so, let's talk about microwaves!

Mmm I took a test today. I think I have either a compulsion to compelete tests or a sick satisfaction. I think it could be a compulsion because I don't really feel great when I'm taking a test but afterwards I'm like "ahh yes I can relax now." Not too abnormal though.

Boring Complaints

This is one of those times where I have a bunch of stuff to do, and it feels like it might not ever get done, but I know if I sit down and start it will. So I met with a counselor in the CCC who's working on some research with the intake questionnaires, and he was telling me how disorganized everything is, and how corrupt everything is. Anyways, he gave me bunch of ideas of research to do with the database, along with this huge binder of articles to read for my background. Yipee! It sounds like if I really put my mind to this I could get my thesis done this semester... although I must admit, my procrastination skills are only improving with my partying skills.

Now what you've been waiting for: cool insights from my life. Well, these are insights from other people, so I guess they're my exsights. So, according to the third article of faith, to be saved we need to obey the principles and ordinances of the gospel. Assuming that saved here means exalted, in order to grow into an exalted state (read: learn), all we need to do is obey the principles and ordinances of the gospel. This means that... learning is an ordinance of the gospel. Possibly.

I've been listening to the CD I talked Optimistic. into making for me. It's pretty much awesome (especially after I downloaded the codec that let me play it). I'm still getting a feel for it - there are of course some weird/cool songs (at least on first listen). So I'm thinking of taking an internet diet, so don't worry if I'm absent. Not that you would, I'm inflating the importance of my blog presence once again.

Self-shrinkage.

I feel like an incredibly selfish person. Since the beginning of this year I've been doing research work for a counselor in the CCC for research credit and since I'm interested in it and need the experience. I used to meet with said counselor once a week to discuss how the research was going or sometimes just to talk about whatever, and sometimes I'd e-mail him with trivial questions. Oh yeah, and he was going to be my mentor for my honors thesis. But for the past two weeks we've had another assistant come to our meetings, and I feel bored when we go on tangents. I like to stick to the matter at hand and get things done. He's been less accessible because his son has been having some major health problems, and my honors thesis is like not even on the discussion plate (like maybe it's dessert or something). All this is very logical and understandable. So why do I feel like suddenly I'm not getting as much out of this deal as I used to? I'm still doing the dirty work. But I'm being really ungrateful - I wouldn't have gotten my current job without this beginning research stuff, and I probably wouldn't have the chance I do to do my thesis working with such a large database otherwise. Let's see if I can do some self-therapy: my irrational beliefs are that I shouldn't feel hurt that I'm not getting as much attention for being a smart, hard-working, ambitious undergraduate (can you tell how humble I am?). My advice to myself: Get over it, Whistler. Blood relations will always take precedence over you. Yeah, so things change. Most things do.

I haven't hit the nail here. The real IB is that I believe I should get attention for being better. For one, I am not better than anyone else, and for two, there is no reason why I others must give me their attention, as that is entirely up their decision out of the goodness of their heart to invest in your life. Pow.

Parallel-ism

So we were studying parallelism today. Fun stuff. My lame imitations:

Good soil gives growth to seeds;
Fertile minds birth ideas.
A fist that will not open to a gentle word
will not open to a harsh growl.
Capturing a frightened rabbit
is like learning a new word:
running to one side, and finding its limits,
wearing it out and finally conquering.
A mind that will not open to a gentle nod
will remain closed to rebuke.
A happy hue hibits learning;
Mineral rain encourages absorption.

Mental Illness?

Okay, so I was writing this paper for a class, and then I was like, hey that would make a cool blog, so here it is in all its random glory (although I'm not sure if I agree with everything I wrote, if that makes sense, not like you're going to read it all anyways):

Psychological disorders are an unlucky combination of multiple factors, much like physical injuries. However, unlike physical injuries, those suffering from mental illness often wish to hide their troubles because of the stigma associated with their problems. One of the reasons for stigma associated with psychological treatment and therapists in particular is that, for one, some therapies have been grounded in unsound research (and the gospel of empiricism demands that treatment theories have tangible research backing them), and for two, many people are unfamiliar with therapy, have a slight fear of it, and sometimes react to the idea of therapy in anger or defensiveness.

Some therapies are not scientifically proven to help clients. This poses a problem, as insurance companies and consumers wish to know what they can expect from services. While backing by science is important to people in the world, it is useful to keep in mind that science does not know all. The second issue of stigma associated with mental illness can be solved by requiring a yearly (or for adults, penta-yearly) mental examination, much like physical examinations are administered now. This would give mental examiners such as psychologists and psychiatrists more work to do, and it would increase insurance premiums (I'm sure it would be good for the economy somehow).

I'm afraid that somehow I have gotten off-track from the original topic of what my perception of mental illness is. Mental illness is a mysterious, exciting, and sometimes (well, actually mostly) tragic phenomenon. I like many others romanticize mental illness into an other-worldly abnormality that can enable people to do great and horrible things. I am reminded of great artists who suffered from mental illness – Schumann, Tchaikovsky, Emily Dickinson, Blake, Dostoevsky, Van Gogh – all these people suffered tremendously yet no doubt experienced poignant aesthetic highs. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's almost like their illness wasn't really an illness, it was a fuller life, and one with more meaning than the normal lives of the mentally healthy. Maybe in my desire to be different in a capitalist cookie-cutter Mormon society, I envy the mentally ill, who are genuinely different from myself and the status quo (without being pretentious or non-conforming for the sake of being non-conformist). But, paradoxically, the mentally ill probably envy me in my mental health (unless of course they're manic). The only solution is for me to voluntarily extend myself into the realm of insanity and then, after becoming disillusioned with one of my vestiges of romanticism and idealism, to despise and pity the mentally ill, while wishing the depressed could just quit being such objects, waiting for others to act upon them. In the world of psychology we're always stressing how the mentally ill don't have character flaws, they just have a “chemical imbalance” in their brain. Yeah right. Then who are the people with character flaws, if not the mentally ill (who account for supposedly the majority of the population?)? I'm going to dare to say that some people in therapy aren't really ill, they're just jerks or lazy people. Not all of them, but some. And what is the cure for lazy people? Let them be lazy and see where it gets them. If being lazy and selfish gets more attention than being hard-working and selfless, where is the future of desirable people? Intrinsic motivation... that's all I have to say.

another fold of life

To visit again a favorite metaphor:

Life is like a sheet of origami paper,
the more you fold, the harder it is to go back,
the further life goes, the harder it is to change like new,
a thin square sheet.

I hope I become so blessedly folded that I eventually tear apart. It would be boring to be a crane or something my whole life.

You know, I do some really rotten things sometimes. Like sitting here.

An Evaporating Puddle = My Depth

Wow, I feel really shallow.

Explanation: I often try to decide how I like people, especially those of the male persuasion. I often persuade myself I like certain boys because of certain of their attributes. For example, I liked D- because he was cute, kind of weird, and he happened to like me too. Some other males I like because they are smart, cute, may like me, and are almost as strange as I am. But is this a legitimate reason to like someone? Looks? Smarts? Reciprocity? How shallow can I get? But then, if liking a guy for his attributes is shallow, what isn't? If I love someone just because I love everyone else, that isn't very special is it? But then again, if I love someone because he's useful to me, that isn't very flattering. Here I am arguing over the determinants of love again. It seems I'm doomed to fail to learn from my past.

Another reason I was feeling shallow was because I was thinking how nice it would be to have a boyfriend for like thirty minutes, but no more. I'm really quite neglectful of friends sometimes. Ugh...

Well, at least flirting is still fun.

P.S. Have any of you heard of Neuroticfish? I think it's pretty good, for techno, although all I have is this 7-song CD I got for a dollar at Rasputin's.

ERROR: Table '100hourboard.Submissions' doesn't exist

So, the Board has been down, so it has been pretty boring around here. Although I did have some online researching time with my ridiculous class - One of the more frustrating questions was "Why are theories of explanation often called nomological-deductive theories?" but that one was at least do-able, after I found out that nomothetic theories are either the same or very similar. Another hard question was "What were the principals in the das Verstehen movement?" Yeah... that's nowhere on-line that I could find (feel free to prove that I have lame research skills). So hopefully I won't feel incredibly dumb tomorrow when my classmates are like "well, it was in the BOOK, duh!" (I did check...).

My favorite error message:

"You have reached the end of the Internet."

Tuesday is soon

A twinkling moment in my path
ahead of me, I can see its shine,
while other stars are full of wrath,
this one smiles and says I'm fine.
Just one day that's coming soon,
another first to walk into,
hoping I won't look like a buffoon,
wishing I will impress you.
A collected professor, a confident shrink
a potential idol in my academic flutter
but this twinkle will fade in a blink,
and I will be left with a disillusioned mutter.

Still Bored

Soon I'll be wishing I were back here on vacation. Soon I will feel utterly overwhelmed. I wish I could bottle up my boredom for another day. Store it away, so when those days come where I wish I could have two hours to do whatever I want, I could just reach into my store room of bottles of time.

I was going to do some stuff with the research I'm assisting with, but I'm too lazy. It's kind of sad. Maybe in an hour or so I'll be more ambitious.

I'm listening to the Squirrel Nut Zippers now. They're a pretty cool group - kind of some jazz and bluegrass kind of stuff (except modern-ish).

I've decided that I don't like reading books on my computer. It's annoying. Even if I tilt the screen so a whole page fits on at once, a laptop in your lap isn't nearly as comfortable as a book. Even a really big book. I think the screen is just hard on the eyes.

("Research shows that reading is around 25% slower from a computer screen than from paper." - http://www.readingsoft.com/ is this true?)