maybe you didn't know these things about me?

- Parties with lots of people kind of scare me. Especially people I don't know. However I can conquer this fear if need be!
- I can be creepy in a stalkerish way and I've been that way since high school. I'm trying to be less creepy. Hopefully this will improve my public image!
- I've spent a summer with each Mozart flute concerto. This might explain my love-hate relationship with them.
- Sometimes I still think my ex-boyfriends are cute.
- I fantasize about composing some great music or a novel. However I realize that both of these industries are highly competitive, and even if I were some kind of genius it would be hard to make any money off of it.
- I frequently used the term "lamerz" until my roommate mercilessly made fun of me. Now I use the term "lame-o."
- I will go to the movies by myself, but I'll feel stupid while doing it.
- I'm always disappointed when a male acquaintance gets engaged. I'm like, "well forget you!"
- I think cooking is boring, but I like the results too much to do away with it.
- I've been trying not to use my inhaler so I can sell plasma soon.
- I know that no one likes it when I sing along with my music. I mouth the words, listening through my headphones, and wonder if other people can tell what I'm saying.
- I'm painfully self-conscious. But you knew that.

"Again and Again" analysis

The Bird and the Bee came out with a new album yesterday, but I was too cheap to buy it. Instead I watched their music video "Again and again" on Youtube approximately 13 times. Despite the extremely repetitive and simple lyrics, I found myself really enjoying and "understanding" this song. Here are the lyrics, but you should really go watch the music video.

Again and again and again
Do it again
Do it again
Again and again

It's a shame, it's a shame
It's a perfect shame
Creep under my door and we do it again, oh

It's easy and easy and easy and easy
And creepy and creepy and creepy, oh
Again, again, again, again

Again and again and again
Do it again
Do it again

Again and again and again
Do it again
Do it again

Again and again

Say my name, say my name, say my stupid name
It's stupid how we always seem to do it again, oh

You're so stupid and perfect
And stupid and perfect
I hate you, I want you
I hate you, I hate you, oh
Again, again, again, again

La, la, la
Again and again and again
Do it again
Do it again

Again and again and again
Do it again
Do it again

Again and again

The repetitive "again and again" refrain is itself repetitive while lamenting how repetitive life is, and how the repetition becomes meaningless - easy, creepy, stupid, perfect - these all become synonyms when physical actions and habit take precedence over thought and wonder. The "I hate you, I want you" further limns the frustration with dependence on lust for meaningful relationships. The song offers no solution but successfully elicits from the listener the pleasurable boredom of repetition made meaningful by the meaninglessness it conveys. Go post-modernism!

P.S. PLEASE tell me if you know what kind of car is in that music video.

Hostility = endearing?

That Carlton Lassiter character on "Psych" is really cute. Unfortunately I couldn't find any great fansites with like screen captures and whatnot. There are just all the same stock photos...

The question here is, what of Lassie's characteristics are attractive?
-sideburns
-blue eyes
-somehow being an American with straight teeth yet looking Irish
-regret hidden behind hostility
-secure/cool job position
-good at shooting guns
-only smiles when he's actually happy
-often sarcastic
-lack of tact is endearing
-let's face it that gun holster is sexy

In other news I have given in to playing Scrabble on Facebook! Please challenge me to a game if you would like to play. Now please enjoy this photo of a lamp in our apartment:

words describing inner race

I was thinking about a specific type of racial term - a term for someone who "acts" like a different race than they are. Here is the list I am familiar with:

Oreo: Black person who acts white
Twinkie/banana: Asian person who acts white
Egg: White person who acts asian

I think these terms are interesting because it's usually like, racism between members of the same race (although I think "egg" could be used endearingly to a white person with lots of Asian friends?). Also: they are all foods? Are there more terms like this, and if not could we make them up (because I'm racially insensitive)?

Also: I got to watch some crazy Russian cartoons. I recommend hedgehog in the fog.

Now, please enjoy this photo of our ceiling!

Russian blog! Also guess what I applied to a graduate program.

So I spent a little time this evening setting up my Russian blog: http://whistlingindoors.blogspot.com/ (the title comes from the Russian superstition that it's bad luck to whistle indoors). For the two or three of my readers who read Russian, it might be fun times!

Other news: I finished applying to BYU's MA in English program. They have a 40% acceptance rate, so I might actually make it! I think they don't do interviews, which only improves my chances. However, my writing sample was only seven pages when they wanted ten... but better to be brief than to be a bore, I always say. I just didn't have time (or resources) to research and make the argument for Black Humor as a transitionary genre into post-modernism. But perhaps in the future... ! (PS Don't steal my idea. Please?) MTTS comic about grad school.

Sad story: When I graduated I checked out like 30 books to read (with my then-graduate/honors check-out privileges). I kept renewing them until I lost my privliges, and the last books are due February 6th (and I still have about six and a half of them to read). After this I will either have to hang out at the HBLL, just use the Provo library, or actually start on the 40 books or so I have saved up for this specific purpose.

And now for your opinion: Anonymous comments - are they flattering or worrisome? I know Tangerine found them annoying enough to disable them on her blog. Heh, she can't defend herself since she's on a mission (sorry Tangy!).

Really, not much I can do

I recently found out that an acquaintance of mine is taking some time off to deal with depression (not a reader of this blog). I always feel at such a loss when this happens. Part of me wants to be like, "Hey, I'm completely insensitive and I want to talk to you about all the cool research on depression! Look at all these things you could try to cure your problem!" But I think the best thing I can do is not be nosy, not ask "HOW ARE YOU??", and just generally not be a nuisance (wow, new levels of redundancy!). Maybe I should look back to some board answers - "There is very good scientific evidence that doing fun stuff relieves depression — I am not making this up." bah ha ha... well, while I'd like to be friendly, I have a hard time seeing me being helpful... but perhaps there's something I can do.

2008 retro specteo

What was 2008? It was more than ending a long-term relationship, graduating, going to my first funeral, turning 21 and finding a job in the "real world." It marked new heights in free time, meaning more time for self-exploration, or at least leisure time. And I've decided that I love reading enough to make a life's work of it. 2008 also marked new lows in my self-cynicism, such that I'm hoping against the conviction that I won't make it into the English MA program to which I'm applying. I'm not sure why I want to go back to school so badly when I think the current system is so medieval, and when I think that most professors do research for the wrong reasons. 2008 also calls to mind some roommates who were really messy and with whom I felt frustrated the majority of the time. And while I sometimes fantasize about living in my own apartment, I know that I would feel terribly lonely living alone. So, I'm still looking for the ultimate roommate! Here's to hoping I can do this non-creepily.

guys, I'm not the smartest

It's come to my attention that there are some people in the world who are smarter than I am. This shouldn't be a big deal, but I've defined myself by my above-average intelligence for quite a while, so it's aggravating to admit that I'm not the only runway light bulb in the bunch.

As is the case with most things I don't understand, I did a bit of research on exceptional intelligence. It turns out there are kids who teach themselves to read around age 2, just like Matilda (however, they do not have her telekinetic powers). They get bored in school and have trouble making friends (but then again, doesn't everyone?). Learning comes easily, so studying music theory and writing a symphony in a few months is just another hobby to them.

Learning doesn't always come easily to me. I have to really work at vocabulary in Russian (and English, for that matter). However, I do have a love for learning, and while I'm not quite in that upper 1%, IQ-wise, I'm still up there (despite having gotten dumber since high school, not sure how that happened). So I think I can understand wanting to study lots of different things, and feeling dread at the thought of doing the same thing for the rest of my life. And when it comes down to it, even improbably intelligent people have the same existential dilemmas as regularly intelligent people. Still, I should define myself in a way unrelated to my intellect, and then I wouldn't have these issues.

Okay, I'm going to go read a book to make myself feel smarter.

ethicality? is that a word?

I had an especially trying day at work the other day. One of our clients compared us workers to Nazi prison guards working in willful ignorance. While we're not killing people, I am pretty ignorant about what goes on at my workplace. Part of me doesn't care and says that I'm just doing it for the money and it's a good thing I have a job at all, but another part of me is concerned. I didn't know anything about my line of work before I started working there... so all I learned about it was from work - I could have a biased or skewed viewpoint and not even know it. I do know that my company is a struggling non-profit and sometimes cuts corners to cut costs, but I've tried not to get upset about that. The thing is, I don't understand why this client thinks I can really do anything to solve whatever corruption has grown into the system. I am completely helpless to change anything except how clean the building is and how detailed interviews are. Even if I knew enough to blow some major whistles, my company going out of business wouldn't change the courts and judges at all. Anyway, sorry to be so vague about things, but blogging about work is always a big neon DANGER sign.

since when is anhedonia cool

It's of some interest that the lively arts of the millennial U.S.A. treat anhedonia and internal emptiness as hip and cool. It's maybe the vestiges of the Romantic glorification of Weltschmerz, which means world-weariness or hip ennui. Maybe it's the fact that most of the arts here are produced by world-weary and sophisticated older people and then consumed by younger people who not only consume art but study it for clues on how to be cool, hip - and keep in mind that, for kids and younger people, to be hip and cool is the same as to be admired and accepted and included and so Unalone. Forget so-called peer-pressure. It's more like peer-hunger. No? We enter a spiritual puberty where we snap to the fact that the great transcendent horror is loneliness, excluded encagement in the self. Once we've hit this age, we will now give or take anything, wear any mask, to fit, be part-of, not be Alone, we young. The U.S. arts are out guide to inclusion. A how-to. We are shown how to fashion masks of ennui and jaded irony at a young age where the face is fictile enough to assume the shape of whatever it wears. And then it's stuck there, the weary cynicism that saves us from gooey sentiment and unsophisticated naiveté. ... Hal, who's empty but not dumb, theorizes privately that what passes for hip cynical transcendence of sentiment is really some kind of fear of being really human, since to be really human (at least as he conceptualizes is) is probably to be unavoidably sentimental and naive and goo-prone and gerenally pathetic, is to be in some basic interior way forever infantile... (694)

David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest

So there I was, reading this passage, and I realized that it very well could be describing me. I know, I know, part of the cool thing about reading fiction is identifying with a character and then feeling good when this character succeeds, but I try to avoid that and be objective and all. And me trying to be objective says I strongly identify with this passage. So now my cynicism and jaded irony is merely a generational fad? I thought I was being real. I feel as disappointed as a child who has been promised a pony and gets a plastic idol instead. As disappointed as a rat formerly on a variable-ratio schedule but switched to extinction mode and has a really long stint of pressing that little bar without any reward (this was me trying to describe my disappointment instead of saying "words fail me"). My self-concept is ruined! ...oh well.

Embarrassment is likable!

Perhaps surprisingly, the momentary pain of being teased can lead to pleasure. During their 15 seconds of humiliation, the targets of teasing displayed common signs of embarrassment — gaze aversion; a coy, nervous smile; a hand touching the face; a head bowed submissively so as to expose the neck; and blushing. These gestures are ancient signs of appeasement that trigger a reconciliation response in most mammals, as they did in our study. The more targets showed these evanescent signs of embarrassment, the more the teasers liked them.

-NYT Times article, In Defense of Teasing (page 3)

This probably explains why I'm so endearing.

Experimental Literature for the blind?

Okay, great idea of the day: experimental literature... for the blind! "And this was the texture of her face *braille dot braille dot braille dot*" "And the silk had this texture... *blank paper*" It could be... really cool!

monologue with myself as audience

Ah, so writing this paper is easier to postpone than I anticipated (you know, the writing sample for grad school). I feel like I'm out of ideas, but really I should concentrate on fleshing out the ideas I already have. I'm a little worried that I'll finish it and think it's genius and then everyone else will be like, "obviously you haven't taken any college English lit classes!" But this is a fear I need to face.

I'm becoming more conscious of my wardrobe: I have gotten to the point where I know some of my clothes are just ugly, now I need to find replacements for them, which will probably take a while considering that a) I don't go shopping a lot and b) I'm not just full of money right now (also my weight is in a state of flux? My job is seriously horrible for me controlling what I eat). But I think if I were to say I was going for a certain style, it would be European (that sounds better than old-manish or geriatric). Speaking of being like an old person - I have been sleeping like 10-12 hours every night this break. No wonder I'm like, "where did my day go?" I'm not sure if that qualifies for hypersomnia or not (especially if I can wake up earlier if I want to). Sleeping just seems more fun than most of the things I do.

indifference

Ataraxy

feels like an empty glass
about to go though the wash
a long silence
no one breaks
a passionate poem -
untranslated
or an unopened
love letter.

Mirror's Edge

Dude, if I were more of a hard-core gamer I would be all over Mirror's Edge. According to Wired, it effectively hacks proprioception, meaning that when you run, you as a gamer feel like you're running. Unfortunately the game is from EA and has gross DRM malware. You know what that means. I still have to beat Chrono Trigger, FFVII, and Beyond Good and Evil (oh, and I haven't even started Deus Ex).

See youtube for gameplay shots.

Anarchism disappoints

Here is my newest website find: http://www.alibris.com/. They have used books for way cheaper than the Amazon marketplace, usually. I totally bought 5 books from them the other day (and they'll be cool old paperbacks, too).

I recently re-watched "Fight Club." Unfortunately Provo fight clubs have been outlawed, so I can't go watch it live (however consusual fighting is not against the honor code, in case you were wondering). Besides the psychological contortionism that the plot requires, I'm intrigued by, well, the anarchism. I think it's one of those things (breaking rules, petty vandalism, blowing things up) that feels so cool and fun in the moment but never accomplishes things. So the thing I need to do is find something that feels cool and accomplishes something. Perhaps - anarchistic service? Oh wait, I already write for the Board! I guess I'll just continue in my poor consumerism. Why am I such a tool?

Also, I wonder if Palahaniuk (author of the book Fight Club) had some inspiration, say, from all the existentialist philosophers that preceded him? Beckett's "Ohio Impromptu" also uses a hallucination character.

my little slaves

I think I'm coming down with something. Basically I'm friggin' cold all the time and all I want to do is sleep. Also: I never, ever want to get a messy divorce after seeing all the unhappy divorced people at work and their kids. Granted, I only see the high-conflict divorces, but still, talk about inconvenient/a major pain in one's life.

So being tired for unknown reasons I've had a lot more of those moments when I suddenly feel like, unreal, that I'm just a pair of eyes and my hands don't even belong to me. You know what I'm talking about - minor, everyday dissociation kind of thing. I wonder how paralyzed people feel about their bodies? I mean, I can move my hands and sometimes they feel like they're not me but my little slaves.

Also, I've decided that some day I want to learn contact juggling, or at least some slight-of-hand. It would be so useful. Do you know of any good primers? I should spend some time on youtube. Or maybe I could figure it out myself?

irrelevent

Everything seems irrelevent, but not in a bad way. Years from now no one will care what books I read or what movies I saw. But in the moment I read them, it makes me appreciate beauty at times, at other times crudeness or sadness. So it matters, in that I feel art helps me be more broad-minded, at least emotionally, but at the same time maybe some other things are more important.

But is it the moment's joy that matters, or how I'll feel looking back on it? Will I remember how important I thought these things are?

Fun times

Sometimes I worry that I'm not interested enough in literature to pursue a master's in it, but then I spend a few hours reading criticism about Bend Sinister, and it just seems fun, and it makes me worry a bit less.

I feel like there's a lot of hero-worship that goes along with Nabokov, and I want to be less an idolator and more of an idol (now that's religiously sound). What I mean is, I don't think any author is perfect, and I want to keep my perspective even while reading things like "only Nabokov could have written this!"

If you're interested in Bend Sinister, let me know and maybe you can help me edit the paper I'm going to write about it (currently I want to do something with personification, but I might end up doing something with windows).

In which I develop a minor unrealizable crush

I saw The Painted Veil at International Cinema the other day, and I really liked it. I'm not sure if I actually liked the story that much - a woman falls in love with her husband after cheating on him - but I loved the soundtrack and the main actor's looks/character (usually I don't go for movie-star looks, but I make an exception in this case?). He's so... sad all the time, but not pathetic - it's like he's choosing to be sad (which I find... curious). Also, the 20s fashion is quite attractive (I mean, really who can resist suspenders?). But I keep wondering, why did he fall in love with that woman in the first place, knowing she was spoiled and not exactly his intellectual equal? Once again I am treating fictional characters as if they are real people... oh well. If you ever find an available guy who looks kind of like this please tell me about him (assuming that he is passably intelligent).