Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Small Margins Don't Bother Me

I was reading an article on outcome assessment today. It was about how sensitive the OQ (Outcome Questionnaire) is. Then I realized that whoever made that questionnaire up probably didn't do a bunch of tests on it before using it with real clients. Werf probably came up with those questions on a whim, a hunch, and now we're using sophisticated analysis to tell us that some of the questions aren't sensitive to change in client outcome. Who would have guessed? I'm actually really glad this study (by Lambert and Okishii) was done, because I was thinking how necessary it was.

I finally saw Pirates 2 last night. Now I feel like I'm in on pop culture. It was about time that someone had a movie with a really cool-looking sea monster in it. You know, something that wasn't JUST teeth. Oh wait...

There's something about the ocean that is especially frightening... the mystery it hides, the terror of never knowing what is directly beneath you. It would take me a long time to get used to being a sailor. The fact that I'm a lame swimmer doesn't help. I used to fantasize that on another planet I was a unicorn who sharks ate, which would explain why I dislike aquariums. I was pretty strange in my childhood... every night I would hope that some portal to a fantasy world would open and I would be transported out of my then boring life. I don't really know why I wished to be elsewhere; I had a pleasant childhood. If you ignore the teasing at school that most kids suffer, I had an extremely pleasant childhood. I had friends who I played with, and I read books (I probably did more pleasure reading then than I do now). Sometimes I wish I could be a kid again, just for like three hours, so I could see if it's really any better than my present life, or if I'm just sugar-coating my past.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

The Younger Me, That Wasn't Me

I was reading a bit from my old journals. I think I was pretty insightful in high school. Perhaps even more so than I purport to be now. Example, from four years ago: "I shall have to be more efficient and philosophical in my entries. That way the overall reading of my diary will improve. But is it possible to have efficient philosophy? Isn't philosophy, by definition, going around in circles of thought?" You know it, I was smart at one time.
I decided to start reading Ender's Game again, just so I can have something worthwhile to do (you know, take Katya's suggestion and all). It's quite different reading it now. Now I read it and I think "Six years old? You've got to be kidding me. This is kind of sick. But oh, so enthralling." Sometimes I identify with Ender because I think "I'm usually the youngest in my classes." Than I think, "Well, I'm not quite that young." I don't know about you, but when I was six, kids who were more than three years older than me intimidated me quite a bit. Kids my own age intimidated me. Of course, now it's a completely different story. Now I'm quite the punk... always pushing the envelope on the amount of questions I can get in without being too disrespectful. At least, I'm that way sometimes.
I've decided that I have too much stuff. And I probably won't do anything about it.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Awareness of Human Condition = Guilt?

In a kind of paradoxical way, I find God's grace humbling. I wish that when people look at the things I've achieved I could tell them "but really, I think God must like me a lot, because I'm definitely not this smart/charming." It reminds me of a quote from my social psychology teacher: "I believe the Holy Spirit uses guilt." Guilty people are more likely to help others, and more likely to help more. Is it blasphemous to think that God manipulates His children? hehe...

Monday, August 21, 2006


There's a certain smell in my house here that reminds me of my brush with death in 2003.

Hooked up to a breathing machine, I play chess with myself, humming to myself a masterpiece in melody. I think this melody came to me in a dream, and it's the most haunting thing I've ever heard. It's early January and like most winters this one is moist. The Christmas decorations have been put away but my spoils (such as my magnetic chess set) are displayed prominantly around my room. I'm so tired of my long hair that I have my mom cut off a foot to give to locks of love, and suddenly, through my sickness, I feel liberated. I keep coughing and can never decide if I'm hot or cold. When I try to go to school again, my pants are falling off and I can barely endure all the excersise of walking from class to class.
*end flashback*

Haha... my bout with pneumonia was educational and interesting. I later found out that the melody I was obsessed with was from a Brahms symphony (on a CD I got for Christmas). I was quite disappointed to find out it wasn't my own making. Hopefully I won't ever be sick for two weeks again (it took be forever to be able to go back to track practice, but it turned out to be a good season for me anyhow).

Sunday, August 20, 2006

The Boy and Music Situations

I was just reading a friend's blog, and it was rather sad. He was complaining about how girls always just like him as a friend. I guess I've never had that complaint (usually girls just like me as a friend and I like to keep it that way). And I can't have the complaint that guys just like me as a friend, since I had a boyfriend this winter. But now it's different - I think that once I have a boyfriend, I turn into a shallow, infatuated, girly person. Maybe I just need to avoid shallow-ness... (i.e., start relationships with a firmer foundation). I'm actually not too concerned at the moment about getting another boyfriend, in fact I'd like to avoid it if I can help myself, but I do think that I shouldn't not think about these things. Well, not much more to say on that subject, and it's fairly boring.
So I'm here in California. I've gotten some new CDs - a Muse album and a Travis album (they were Optimistic.'s recommendations). I've been in a kind of experimental music phase. I mean, I like experimental music, but I've been experimenting with what kind of music I like. Radiohead is a new favorite of mine, probably since last year. I remember listening to Amnesiac for the first time and thinking how weird it was, and then listening to it some more and liking it. It was a lot like some modern classical music in that sense. Some music, you like it the first time, and then each repetition the music gets less likable, but with some music, usually the music I like the most, the first listening is somewhat uncomfortable, but then familiarity breeds liking. I guess it's this kind of dedication to music that will always be my weakness. I mean, hey, maybe I could like any kind of music if I listen to it enough, so how am I going to tell what kind of music I really like? Maybe all music is equally likable... although somehow I doubt that (that would be an interesting experiment... have participants listen to different pieces of music multiple times and see how their liking of it changes with each repetition).

Thursday, August 17, 2006


I'm thinking of starting a blog. I'm not sure what I'd write in it though... it's hard to write about life and then not reveal personal information. We'll see how this goes. For now though, you may know that I'm leaving Utah soon. I'm listening to Jeanne Baxtresser's CD of Bolling's flute jazz suite. It's pretty cool. Jazz in general I think is pretty cool and relaxing.