Tuesday, April 10, 2012


I was babysitting again, and we met a lady from my ward, who asked if I was "just home all day." I was like "I freelance a little but yeah I have a lot of free time." And it makes me feel a little guilty and useless, I guess, to admit that. I don't particularly like cleaning, and even on days I clean a lot, it takes less than an hour. I like cooking a little better but unless I'm making something complicated that doesn't take very long either. I guess I sometimes feel guilty about having free time, and especially today I feel that way.

I want to take Japanese 201 in the fall, but I found out that if I take it from BYU I have to be admitted as a post-bacc student (oh yeah, and parking is a nightmare, I wonder if I could drive to a bus stop somewhere). Maybe I could take a Japanese class from UVU? I saw an interesting job as an instructional designer that would have preferred me to have a master's. I know I'm forgetting my my dislike of how typical classes are set up and weirdly rely on grade motivations and strange assignments. Maybe I should look for a tutor instead of taking a class, or try to host a Japanese exchange student. I just want to do something that will make me awesome.

I guess today is one of those days where I feel like maybe I should look for a job to have something to keep me busy. I'm not disciplined enough to be consistent about volunteering (I find shelving books hard on my back and frankly, boring. Don't really have an excuse about indexing.). I feel like a leech on society, consuming things and not really creating anything in return. I don't usually feel this way, but today is just one of those days. Looking back on this post, it appears I am a guessing kind of person.


krebscout said...

Please write a novel for me.

Amber said...

I have days like that too. It's hard sometimes to remember that everyone's end goal is to be happy. I am happy, but then I hear someone talking about how the dotcom they started on their lunch break just went public so they're thinking about taking their prodigious kids to Uganda for a year to end all social woes...suddenly, my peace feels like resignation, and I feel like I have to justify my life.

For what it's worth, I think being able to fill one's time with doing what one wants is everyone's dream, so you shouldn't feel guilty for it, or for having different wants than others.

Andrea Landaker said...

Yeah, I know what you mean. :-/ The problem with a lot of volunteering is that it sometimes feels more like they're trying to find something for you to do than that the work you're doing actually makes a difference.

Taking classes without having to worry about grades is a lot more fun, because you can just learn whatever you want and study what is interesting to you. :-)

Rachel Helps said...

thanks guys! I am applying for some freelancing things and trying to get my gaming articles published in places other than my blog, so that helped me feel better. Along with your kind understanding.