Money's slave

I hate it, but I feel like a slave of money, or at least a servant. Oh you want me to work 3.5 hours on my day off? No I don't have anything planned. Oh you need me now? I can skip the class I like going to. This is seriously annoying. I can't wait until I have a real job where they don't have to know that I have nothing planned most of the time (except, you know, making pancakes, which I felt didn't qualify). Did I mention I hate thinking about money?

Lately I've been noticing that I'm really insecure about my individuality, because I know I'm probably more like other people than I'd like to admit. Maybe that's why I get a kick out of being so nerdy, it shows how I'm different. I mean - maybe not everyone likes modern literature (I can't really imagine why not)? And that's why it bothers me to hear Keane on the radio, because I thought they were this indie band last.fm was recommending to me, but it turns out they're in the same boat with Coldplay (by the way, I downloaded their new album, which was on sale from Amazon today only, and it wasn't half bad, although I still think bands should write their own music).

One of my only recently conscious goals is to become a polymath. I think that's why I like House and Nabokov's novels so much. The thing is, I'm not sure if I like knowing things for the sake of knowing them, or if I like knowing things because someone else doesn't know it. 'Ya know?

Also, I've taken to being annoyed by people in high-paying jobs who think their time is more important than anyone else's. But really, the rest of the world doesn't care! Examples: doctors, lawyers, therapists. I think that's a big reason I don't want to be a therapist - I'd end up being all self-important and used to clients worshiping me, and then I wouldn't be able to interact normally anymore (assuming that I ever interacted normally). Professors can get that way too, but I think they need to protect themselves sometimes from students who don't know how to read (hey look, I'm already on the way to being a self-justified prof). I'd rather be a professor though, because no one actually cares about them (besides you know, creepy students like me), and they get to just do their own thing most of the time.

Actual conversation in front of Smith's

Man with Beret (MwB): You know, people who wear berets are pretty amazing people.
Me (carrying a backpack full of groceries, unlocking my bike): Yep... pretty much
MwB: Where'd you get yours?
Me: I don't know, somewhere on sale for a buck.
MwB: Czechlosovakia.

Suddenly I feel insecure not having some kind of story to go with my beret! Perhaps next time I can make one up. I feel like such a poser.

Also, my firefox crashed and now the built-in spellcheck no longer works. Help?

Quilty

I watched Lolita over the weekend - the Kubrick 1962 version. It's weird, but I found Quilty (center in this snapshot) to be really hilarious, despite his implied depravity. It's strange because I didn't find the actor nearly as funny in Dr. Strangelove or The Pink Panther. I think I liked that he was fooling Humbert all along... I like knowing what others don't know, I appreciate it when I can be smug with someone once in a while. How horrible!

Vanishing

Usually my job isn't too difficult - just be constantly vigilant, take notes, keep track of time, etc. However, every now and then I have to deal with separated people being really petty to each other, and I have to be polite to them while they do it (make copies of their notes to each other, read said notes, etc.). It stresses me out a lot, and sometimes I wish I could say, "yes, your ex is being immature, but so are you for making such a big deal of [parking, clothing, photographs, etc.])." So to make up for having to be polite at work all the time, I may be especially cheeky (I know, I'm cheeky anyway, but now I have an excuse?). I hate how I'm powerless to change anything at work, or if my notes do change something I'll never hear about it. Why can't people just be good to their kids and spouses in the first place?

I feel like I'm constantly doing things yet accomplishing nothing. I'm not sure how this is happening, but I dislike it. I feel like I'm missing something but I don't know what it is. Like a vanishing point, my nebulous goals seem constantly out of reach. I feel like giving up on achieving anything - that the cult of achievement has led me astray, but that I have no where else to go and that I'm stuck with creating goals and falling short of them. Progress is an illusion.

World of Soundtrack

If you were ever searching for a soundtrack but couldn't find it, check World of Soundtrack. Possibly my favorite find of the week (Charade! Also Tabarly).

Nabokov also loved bad movies

"Nabokov's opinion of the movies, was, nevertheless, ambivalent. It is apparent that he had little patience for 'the grotesqueness of cinematic cliche.' Friends described how he would 'single out intentionally an inept American film' and 'literally shake with laughter, to the point where... he would have to leave the hall.' " -The Cambridge Companion to Nabokov

Does this remind anyone of Bad Movie Night?

Biking in the dark

Yesterday I went on a bike ride in the dark. I went on a bike trail, and it was kind of scary. A bunch of vultures bobbing their heads on a tree stump ended up being some wild sunflowers. A few skateboarders zipping by barely slid out of a collision. Night skateboarders of Provo, I apologize for blinding some of you. I figured out that my headlight was actually decreasing my ability to see the road and rode back mostly without it (it's good for on the street with other cars, but mostly just blinding on a bikeway). I rang my bike bell about every minute, feeling like a deaf bat. Somehow I ended up back home alive. The end.

Around my neighborhood

Last week I felt pretty antsy and I ended up riding my bike just around Provo in the evenings. There's more to north Provo than I initially thought, but eventually I remembered the area from some of my freshman walks. I haven't explored south-eastern Provo much until a few days ago. I didn't even know we had a Mexican food store. One boy said to me, "Hola, senora" (Uffish: "haha... he called you old"; at least he didn't mistake me for a boy). Then I thought, "maybe I should have studied Spanish, I would have more opportunities to practice." Oh well. I should mention that recently I've gotten more aggresive in my bike riding - I'll actually use the road and left turn lanes now, telling myself that I am "asserting my rights as a road-using vehicle."

I've been to the Provo library a bit more than usual this week (our router got fried), and it's interesting to see the types of people who use the computers there: the married girl who used to be in my ward, probably checking her e-mail, the teenager commenting on a friend's myspace, the high school hopeful applying to jobs, and the creepy guy listing "missed connections" on craigslist. It's also educational to see the difference between a university library and a city library... the Provo library definitely has a higher percentage of self-help books and kind of trashy pseudo-science books. It kind of makes me sad, because I used to think that if something was good enough to be published, it was probably worth reading, but I've recently found I was mistaken.

Two years

So, I've had this blog for two years since Monday. To me, it's hard to strike a balance between "too much information" and "too obscure;" lately I've only been writing when the material is better suited to blogging than the written page (I also dislike addressing my readers too often or asking people to leave comments, but in this case I make an exception). To take a page from CPM's book, I'd like to get some reader feedback: are there any particular topics you would like me to write about? I can write about stupid jokes I hear, literature I read, things I find online, or I could give bad poetry another shot (...nah). Anyway, in the absence of feedback you should expect the same sporadic quality from me that I've been giving you... for free!
Did you know that Boston Harbor Light station is the only lighthouse in America with a keeper? So much for my dream of becoming a lighthouse keeper (source).

Types of Internet Pirates

So, I've decided that there are a couple of different types of Internet pirates. I was going to make an online quiz about it, but couldn't get the website I was using to work. So here's how I see Internet pirates:

The Leecher pirate - downloads torrents of stuff without uploading it back. Will download special software to achieve this purpose. Never uploads his own stuff and downloads movies and albums before they're out. Has a couple of terabytes of stuff. Basically shameless.

Upstanding pirate - usually uploads as much as he downloads, downloads CDs and movies he can't find anywhere else, and buys what he downloads when it's available, because he feels guilty about his piracy.

Benevolent pirate - Creates new torrent uploads of highly-sought material; converts LPs to mp3s, has a friend in the academy he can get quality DVD rips from; basically internet piracy depends on these people.

Special-interest pirate - continually uploads a certain film or computer game. People like this keep older downloads alive.

Casual pirate - downloads every once in a while. He doesn't think much of it, this is pretty much the largest portion of internet pirates (people-wise, not bandwidth-wise). Usually has a disorganized music collection.

Old-Fashioned pirate - Doesn't know about or doesn't use torrents. May use P2P, but more commonly borrows friends' CDs (or the library's) and rips them. May record songs directly from the radio into an mp3 format or onto a tape deck. May taperecord or transfer from DVR to DVD favorite movies and shows. He has a direct, nearly anonymous, and quick way to get pirated media, but his selection may be limited, depending on his friends. Technically an old-fashioned pirate shouldn't be in a list of internet pirates... so maybe the list should be "media pirates"... your grandma could be an old-fashioned pirate...


Completely unrelated, but I got my hair cut a little like that picture I posted last month. I like it.

Who would have guessed

Strong and spirited. You're no one's girly girl; actually you are very determined person with a strong sense of self. Never let go of that! The only thing that equals your sense of self is your family, but the traditions of society can always be bent to protect something or someone you love.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

This quiz was kind of fun, and not all the answers were transparent to me. Also, let's face it, everyone likes hearing about herself once in a while.

Ironic mental processes

The ironic processes of mental control (Wegner 1994) suggest that there are times when it might be good to stop planning and striving. It is often possible to try too hard. The initiation of plans for action and for thought is normally a useful enterprise, of course, as it typically leads to the exercise of successful operations of mental control. We plan to stand up and we do so, we intend to concentrate and we do so, we intend to relax, to sleep, to eat, to go outside, or to write a letter, and we do so. However, sometimes the formation of a conscious plan leads to a paradoxical effect - the implementation of the plan creates the opposite of what was planned. ...when we try not to think of something, we seem to create an automatic and ironic tendency to think of that very thing. The usual usefulness of our planning and intention procedures makes us go ahead and try to do many things, even those that have inherent ironies.
-Daniel M. Wegner, The Illusion of Conscious Will

Dream hairstyles

Every once in a while I fall in love with a hairstyle I see in a movie or book. I really liked Amelie's hairstyle (in Amelie), and I kind of liked Trixie's hair (in Speed Racer). But they have black hair, which I would undoubtedly look sickly and ugly in (not to mention it's straight). So it wasn't until I watched Wild Strawberries that I really liked a hair style that I could actually have one day: Sara's hairstyle. It's short, yet girly, but not annoyingly so. I'd like to just walk into a salon and give them these screenshots and say, "cut my hair like that!" Does anyone know if it has a name ("poodle cut"? that sounds horrible! The sides are a little different I think)? I'm not sure I could pull if off, though. The movie itself was great, by the way. It's about a professor who realizes he's been mean to people, but only at an advanced age.

Found it

For years I have been looking for this Russian movie I saw when I was in high school. I could only remember vague details about the plot - there was a boy, and he was in the snow a lot, and there was an older woman who worked at a printing press, and it was really artsy and all. I finally found out what it was today! The Mirror, directed by Tarkovsky. Yes, I'm feeling very satisfied at the moment.

Another departure, another road

A professor of mine died recently - earlier this month in fact - but I didn't find out about it until yesterday. I was thinking about Dr. Inouye, and how he sincerely believed in all of his students, but he managed not to be too serious all the time (he would start telling a joke in the middle of a lecture, and for the longest time I had trouble telling when he was joking and when he was lecturing). He loved making horrible puns, which of course reminded me of my family and my high school band teacher (seriously, what band teacher doesn't like bad puns?). It was for his class that I made this other blog, which as I look back on it, seems horribly dramatic and over-philosophized. I'll probably think the same thing reading back on this entry in two years.

He was a strong supporter of learning as an eternal principle, which, upon examining my own beliefs, is one I've adopted myself. I am beginning to think of my learning as part of my religion, as strange as that sounds. I think that explains why I get so annoyed at students who don't appreciate that they have a great opportunity to learn, students who don't milk their classes for all their worth. I'll admit I'm guilty of it sometimes, but most of the time I'd do the assigned reading, ask tons of questions in class, and seek out professors who I felt had more to offer than the small share of information imparted in class. I'm also getting increasingly frustrated with how stagnant most professors are in their way of teaching. So all this contemplation about education made me think that I should look into graduate school in education, not just literature or psychology. But I think in some ways it would make me more unhappy to study education...

Confession:

I've always wanted to take my manual typewriter to the library or a coffeeshop and start typing, ala improv everywhere's mobile desktop mission. I don't have the guts to do it though.

Russian DOS games

If you're a Russian student and you want to play a Russian game, I recommend Heli. Basically you're a little helicopter that matches an English word to a Russian one. Some of the vocabulary seems simple, and it's a little frustrating that it doesn't tell you the correct answer right afterwards, but it might beat actually making flashcards (you'll need winrar to decompress it and DOSbox to play it). I'm still looking for some Russian adventure game, let me know if you find one that works.

Hidden cost of happiness

Happiness in children may impair attention to detail. (I have the PDF if you want it)

I'm not too worried about this, because what child is happy every single minute of his life? But it brings up a good point - different moods are useful and we shouldn't say one is better than another just because it's more pleasant.

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Now playing: We Are Scientists - The Great Escape

FREE EDUCATION

Ahhh! I'm so excited! Podcasts of an entire course on existentialism in literature and film, from UC Berkeley (via free online courses; scroll down for behavioral neurobiology, awesome)! I can keep pretending to be a student, oh, I am so happy.

Internet Adventures

Okay, recently I joined pmog.com after my brother mentioned it to me. I'm not very interested in the role-playing part, but I am interested in how I'm learning about internet sites I had never heard of before but are still interesting to me. The "missions" you can go on are basically guided tours of different sites, and some are very informative. I recently took one about Last.fm applets, and was introduced to the recommended artists generator (although lots of things can recommend artists to you), as well as the music "openness" test (I scored 121, the graph is to the left; "fractured disco" was the least listened to at .09%, haha). I also revisited the great freeware database of games in some retro-gaming mission I went on (and have been happily playing an adventure game from it).