Saturday, September 05, 2009

In which I feel a little down.

I don't know if I like grad school or not. Everyone else is just as smart as I am so I have to put more effort in to stand out, and I don't even know if I care enough or if it's worth it. I don't feel like literary analysis is going to change the world. I feel like it's just another venue of entertainment for me, but one that takes a little more work to have fun with. I want to have more time to just read what I want to read and then bring my ideas about it to a table. It would be nice to have a class like that, I think. Free readings in conjunction with theory, that could be fantastic. While grad school is potentially more personally satisfying than my last job, it is still stressful.

I feel inadequate as my job as a teacher. I am teaching writing and I haven't even had a writing class for several years. Supposedly my admittance to the program speaks of my writing competence, but I have my doubts. I haven't read the research on what classroom activities are best to assist learning. I don't know what types of comments will help my students learn how to write. I'm afraid that I will discourage freshmen. I want them to learn how much they have yet to learn, even if they took AP classes.

I also broke up with Crow. Well, we had been talking about it a little over the past few weeks. I'm a little sad to let go, but we were to the point where there was nothing else we could do. I mean, not like my romantic life is worthy of note. I always feel awkward blogging about it; it's personal to me... but I also realize that people want updates on my life, and he was a significant player in my life recently. Maybe he still will be. Why do I try to force things to happen? Would my baseline behaviors (without goals/desires) be inadequate to live a righteous life? I don't understand. I mean, in the end, who cares about post-modernism. I just want to start my own family in the next decade or so.

1 comment:

Tiff said...

aww, rach. It's hard but I guess you have to ask yourself what you really want out of life instead of doing what seems easiest at the time. Your drive to be a professor or researcher will be tested cuz grad school of any form is tough. If you want it enough and are sure you want it enough, you gotta remind yourself to look to that. What's a few years of agony for many years of working your dream job. And you've already been accepted and everything, which is hard enough in itself. I guess it all depends where you see yourself, where you want to be ultimately.

I'm sorry about your breakup with Crow. This must be a really hard time for you. Remember you can always call me randomly if you need anything or want to talk. haha. I totally sympathize except I'm one step behind you. I haven't been accepted yet. No one has it all together.