2021: Trying to fix my health problems

Hello to my superfans and bored acquaintances. Here is my year's summary:

January: I got a bit tired of my appearance. Adam gave me a shag cut that I really liked and have adopted as my new hairstyle. I did a bit of lockdown shopping (some of which was necessary), including trying out makeup. I guess I was just that bored. I wrote that even though I had changed my appearance, I felt the same. I told my boss I was quittting my job at the library, complete with a dramatic return of some fifty books I had been hoarding. Working from home without dedicated childcare was not making me happy. I published Mormon foodways. A. continued to dislike math and to like watching Sailor Moon. She lost her first tooth. P. got glasses. 

February: I started a hypnotherapy app for my IBS called Nerva. I know, hypnotherapy?? It is evidence-based! And after three weeks of doing the hypnotherapy sessions every day, I started to have less pain. A hypnotherapy session is a lot like a meditation, only the suggestions are more forceful. So instead of "try to relax" it is like "you feel very relaxed now." According to their studies, it can work even if you are not usually susceptible to hypnotic suggestions. I did the six weeks of sessions and still have lasting reduction in IBS symptoms. I recommend it to everyone with IBS. I can take a little ibuprofen now without getting a stomachache.

With homeschooling A., I started checking out a LOT of books from the Provo city library to read to her for our various subjects. "Is this what it feels like to be a library power user?" I wrote after ordering enough books to overflow my two canvas bags. I actually enjoyed hunting for books more than reading them sometimes. Most of the time I simply read her picture books about science and folklore. Occasionally we had fun projects, like when we measured the air temperature in different places around the house, or when we made a fancy pretend café to practice addition and subtraction within 20. Or when I taught her how to "animate" a sprite in Scratch by drawing a Pusheen that sticks out her nose.

I played a lot of chess. I got tournament-standard sets and tried to teach A. some chess, but mostly it was a welcome diversion for me. I also worked on Space to Grow, the videogame I helped my sister and sister-in-law make. I finished writing the community endings in March (under the duress of frequent interruptions from A.).

We found out that P.'s genetic condition was not inherited. I also found out that one of my most vocal critics on Wikipedia last year had died earlier this year.

March: I finally got antibiotics for a sinus infection that started in February, but I was pretty tired and grumpy all month because the antibiotics did not cure my infection. I hosted my sister and two of her kids for my little brother's wedding. I went to my in-laws' for Sunday dinner for the first time in a while and looked forward to more in-person events. I started getting physical therapy for my tennis elbow. I started drinking Rasa, an herbal energy drink, to help with my fatigue. I read some comic books to help as a judge for the Association for Mormon Letters. 

April: I panic-bought some Vita games after hearing that the PS store would be closing later in the year (Sony has since changed that after fans protested a lot). I made a few pysanki (Ukranian eggs made by melting wax onto them and dying them) that unfortunately got destroyed by my dog when I left them outside to air after I sprayed varnish on them. We discovered that P. is allergic to sesame. I played a bunch of strangers in chess and got annoyed with a type of chess player who only wants to play women for some reason. I played more than one of this kind of player. I bought some dice and the My Little Pony TTRPG to play with A. I also signed A. up for Girl Scouts. I started to miss my job. I actually finished reading a book after losing interest in reading over the pandemic. The book was Ninth House. I got fully vaccinated.

May: We hosted my brother and his family for a week while they moved into a condo in Utah. We mostly just hung out at home a lot. Sometimes with toddlers that is the least-stressful option. My laptop died. I felt pretty sad about that. More of the same homeschooling, taking P. to physical therapy, occupational therapy, or speech therapy, and trying to keep up with housework. I met with my friends in-person. I started playing the idle/adventure game The Longing about a soot goblin who must wait a year to awaken his sleeping god/king. A world of being alone for days on end felt like a fantasy world to me. I had a platelet injection done on my arm to help with my tennis elbow, but I fainted when they drew the blood and felt terrible afterwards. We had a very successful Esperanto club meeting where we played frisbee golf. I got a fancy new desktop. We met together with Adam's family for their traditional May birthday gathering called second Christmas. 

June: We vacationed in Escalante with my brother's and sister's families. It was really fun. I wasn't sure if I could make it through spooky gulch... I don't usually get claustrophobic, but I was feeling it then! P. didn't come with on that hike, but A. did, and she survived, haha. I hired two nannies and went back to work! To my same job as a Wikipedian-in-Residence. My boss happened to not hire my replacement in the five months I was gone and I was never officially terminated. I went to a few sessions of the Esperanto-USA convention and helped collect resources for Esperanto e-books for one of the sessions. I went on a few dates outside the house with Adam.

July: We spent time with Adam's family over the fourth of July weekend. I worked on Space to Grow during my "personal projects day", a weekly day off from parenting meant to focus on my creative work. I felt like it wasn't enough time to really work on stuff. I got called as gospel doctrine teacher in my ward. I stopped being interested in chess as much, but I still participated in an amateur tournament in-person with my sister-in-law. I think I beat one person, haha. I wrote a page for the Seventh East Press. I did some thinking about having a third child and why I don't like being a mom sometimes. I went to an ENT who tried to tell me my pain was coming from my jaw until he saw my CT scan, after which he recommended sinus surgery. 

August: I went to the NASK (North American Summer Class) advanced course for Esperanto. Tim Owen taught it and he is something of an Esperanto scholar. He lectured in Esperanto and gave us a few activities. It was fun to see his research and ephemera on Zamenhof and the Esperanto movement. I had an extended family reunion at Bear Lake, although mostly I hung out with my sister and her family. My brother had a wedding reception. A. and I got our allergies tested. I tested positive for allergies to peanuts and tree nuts, which really bummed me out. The allergist said it was oral allergy syndrome and I started sublingual drops to treat my allergies (my hope is that it will help with my sinus problems too). Adam's immediate family had a staycation--a whirlwind of activities that I somehow managed to mostly participate in. We had been going to church as a family, but with the Delta variant going around, we decided to switch off keeping P. home since we have no idea what Covid would be like for her. A. started second grade--quite an adjustment after being homeschooled for a year.

I was honest with myself in my journal about my maternal depression. I had hoped that going back to work would "fix" me, but it did not. I still try to avoid parenting my children a lot, but I also try to avoid outright neglecting them (at least their physical needs). I feel like I can't fulfill all of their emotional needs, but luckily I don't have to. I feel very grateful to babysitters and family members who are willing to sit with my children and listen to them when I'm not up to it.

September: I did a lot of research for my gospel doctrine class and I wrote "I am starting to realize that the members of my class may not have as many questions as I do. So I might be overdoing the research." We enjoyed delicious tomatoes from our garden. I went on a retreat to Park City with my friends. I did a journaling program for being "happy as a mother". I questioned the assumption that such a thing is possible for all mothers, but by the end of the month, I felt like the journaling prompts were really helpful. The daily prompts helped me feel more gratitude and examine my own assumptions and expectations about motherhood. P. finally started drinking from her straw cup. I had my sinus surgery. I watched the Twilight movies during my recovery and I can confirm that Edward is a selfish jerk. I think Space to Grow got its Steam release somewhere in September. I remember pushing a button somewhere to release it in two weeks, maybe back in August? I sent out several awkward emails to strangers to tell them about the game. I can't say that I really understand how to market a videogame, but we did have over 100 sales this year. People paid money to play a game that I helped with. That's a nice feeling.

October: I was the "groundskeeper" or dungeon master for a game of Bluebeard's Bride with some friends. I really liked the themes of feminine horror and I wrote a Mormon feminine horror Twine game based on it which I called Skillick's Bride. "The decision to focus on women's suffering is such a clarifying one." My sinuses got infected after the recovery period and I had to take a lot of medicine for that (and the infection is still present). "Joseph Smith owned MUMMIES. It's blowing my mind." I read some of The Tanners on Trial for my work on the William Clayton page, and it was full of juicy, if cherry-picked, gossip about the Mormon underground in the late 1980s. My parents visited us for Halloween, which was fun. We tried to bake some of the giant pumpkins that I grew. 

November: We all got sick. I judged games for the Interactive Fiction Competition (IF Comp). Anyone can be a judge, as long as you rate five games. This was kind of a fun exercise in reading other people's hobby projects. There is a lot of interesting experimentation going on out there. A. got into playing Minecraft. We visited my parents in California for Thanksgiving. I was worried about getting P. to wear a mask on the plane, but luckily, she still looks and acts like an infant and no one asked about it. 

December: I did some meditation stuff for two weeks to try to manage my stress. I tried to reduce my social media use, with some success. P. had eye surgery. A. got a little sick after her second Covid vaccine shot and Adam and I felt slightly miserable after our Covid boosters. I made candied orange peel for the first time. A. got diagnosed with ADHD-combined type based on surveys that Adam and I filled out. I watched lots of the Great British Bake-off and presented at the BYU library Christmas conference on the similarities between the ideals of Joseph Smith and Zamenhof (creator of Esperanto). I actually gave my Esperanto club a preview of the presentation and tried doing it in Esperanto, so presenting in English was comparatively easy. I continued to worry about over-intellectualizing my gospel doctrine lessons. Our dishwasher and our induction cooktop both broke. I received some nice gifts for Christmas and spent the break reading them and generally lying around and hanging out with family and friends. 

Games I played (but may not have finished)

• Amrilato - a visual novel that teaches Esperanto in a very boring way! Gxg.
• Spiritfarer - a game like Zelda with less combat and more helping characters find closure.
• Cozy Grove - a cute game about reviving ghosts on an island, but that became very grindy. 
• The Longing - existential idle/adventure game
• Tell Me Why - your character, a trans man, investigates the motivations and circumstances surrounding his mother's death and his relationship with his sister.
• Psychonauts 2 - Solve people's problems by going inside their brains and platforming there.
• Fallen London - an old-school browser-based RPG that is somehow still going. The writing is dark and entertaining and the setting is very much filled-out; the references to "tomb-colonists" and philosophical spiders are not just a passing jokes. A bit too grindy to hold my attention for more than a month. 
• Sunless Sea - Another game set in the Fallen London universe, but you are a sailor on the underzea. Good, bizarre fantasy horror writing. I found the resource-management stressful and boring at the same time.
• The Luminous Underground - an interactive fiction piece published by Choice of Games. It was nominated for a nebula award! The story was interesting, and the writing was good, but it was a slow burn that fizzled out before I finished.
• Animal Crossing New Horizons - I enjoyed the new DLC that added cooking and the opportunity to buy more art.
• Life is Strange: True Colors - a girl with the power to sense people's emotions investigates her brother's death and her own feelings. A worthy addition to the Life is Strange series.
• It Takes Two - A cute co-op puzzle-platformer. I just started it.
• A Rose of Winter - An fantasy otome game that has a western art style and music by Toby Fox! The routes are very short, but they defy typical dating game tropes and challenge the player to reflect on romantic love in various weird forms.