Shoes

I went shopping for some tennis shoes today. I biked down to Shopko on a grand adventure. I feel so indecisive about buying shoes. It feels like I'm making a major life decision. I mean, whatever shoes I buy will end up being a major part of my life and identity. I ended up buying two pairs of shoes, which means my total is seven pairs of shoes. I don't know why I buy things when I don't especially need them. I did need tennis shoes though, for my upcoming racquetball class. They're these white shoes with a blue stripe (bent at about a 75 degree angle). I had trouble finding cheap shoes with arch support, so I might just buy new arch supports to use in shoes. Maybe ones that are thinner than the Dr. Scholl's ones I have. The other pair was a little bit of an impulse buy. I wanted a flat pair of summer church shoes that would cover my toes, so I bought a pair. I think having cash from selling books increases by chances of buying things. Oh well, at least I don't go shopping often.

Data and I broke up Tuesday. I miss him.

Pound - #

So, yesterday at work I was unpacking everything, and I discovered that we had lost our voicemail password. I called OIT to see what I could do about it, and they reset it for me. I tried manipulating the system to set my own password, but the phone began acting very strangely. It would ask me for unrelated things like my ID or last name. So I called OIT back up. Halfway through my conversation with them, I had a revelation:

Me: Wait, I have a dumb question.
OIT guy: Okay.
Me: Is the pound key the star one or the number sign?
OIT: Um... it's the number sign.
Me: OH... that was probably the problem. Sorry to bother you for such a dumb reason.
OIT: No problem.

Yeah, I felt smart.

Top 10 Artists

More not studying

This morning and afternoon were very painful. So painful, in fact, that I had to watch 8 episodes of The Office in order to get through them. I had a science final and I had already studied my brains out. The questions were so ridiculus that, had I spent that time studying more, I would not have done any better on the final. Example:

Which is true, A or not A?
A) Always A
B) Always not A
C) All of the above

That is just ridiculous. Talk about learned helplessness. Usually I feel like studying more will help me, but not so in this case. I was very anxious, and usually I'm not that nervous for tests. Two more finals left (essays). Hopefully I can do something about it tomorrow. Maybe I'll watch some more online TV instead.

Not Studying

Now I am Not Studying. I had lunch at the MOA today. Yummmm... cheesecake...

So, I've been casually packing when I have a spare minute. I realized that some of my heavy textbooks are not going to be able to go in a flimsy cardboard box. Should I just use my suitcase? Distribute said textbooks among other boxes containing lighter things?

Oh, and I want to add that I think it is amazing how much stuff I have accumulated. I started out with 2 suitcases, a backpack, and 2 boxes of stuff. Now I have like... 10 boxes of stuff. Where did it all come from? Have I really been buying that much stuff? It's true that there are many books I never sold back... and a bunch of books I brought along after various visits home... but this is ridiculous. Why do I need the short stories of Guy de Maupassant? Goethe's Faust? I am such a sucker for pretty old books (another reason to keep me away from book sales and used book stores). Hopefully I can find a cheap bookshelf (or... I could just keep them in boxes).

I just answered some Board questions! They weren't the best answers... but someone needed to give some lame answers to cut down on the inbox.

A Lion's Meal

Today for a class of mine we all went up to Salt Lake for a luncheon. I was in the car with my professor, and his driving made me really nervous. I thought for sure we were going to crash. Utah drivers...

I had a four course lunch today. It was amazing. The first course was a shrimp cocktail (I think that's what it's called). It consisted of some shrimp and lettuce and sauce. The second course was a salad that was really amazing... lettuce, cherry tomato, and other salad-y things. The main course was crepes and rice. The crepes had chicken and pineapple in them, which was amazing. There were rolls too. I love rolls, and these were especially good rolls, with honey butter. Dessert was strawberry cheesecake. It was so delicious. I didn't think I could eat that much, but I totally polished off every dish. Needless to say, I wasn't especially hungry for dinner today. I think that's the first time I've had a multiple-course lunch. Um... yeah, it was amazing.

That reminds me of another multiple-course meal I attended last week - the BYU Seder service. I was so full that the next day I ate like... one full meal. I also drank a lot of grape juice, and when you put it in a wine glass, it tastes really good. I was a little disappointed that we didn't have lamb though. I haven't eaten lamb before.

My blog just shrank

So... I decided to save some posts as drafts. I was feeling insecure about the security of my identity.

Toilet Talk

Toilets in Utah amaze me. They rarely get plugged up, even though it often looks like they're about to overflow. There must be a few gallons of water in there. California has some regulations on toilets, so they can't use as much water (which means they plug up easier). That must be one of the reasons Canada's top illegal export is toilets (the things you learn in American Heritage!).

The problem with Utah toilets is that when they DO get plugged up, there's so much water in there that they're bound to overflow. I found this out the hard way a few days ago (the same morning that my shoelace broke, my cheese was moldy, and I got a piece of pollen stuck in my eye). Isn't it interesting that humans defecate in water? I should hope that such an activity doesn't occur very often in the wild. I guess it is the easiest way to get rid of something or varying... um... viscosity and concentration.

I went to the dentist a week and a half ago, and while filling out my personal information sheet the week before, I contemplated how much we trust dentists. My account number? My mother's social security number? Have I ever been on drugs for mental illness? Why does a dentist have to know these things? This dentist also kind of creeps me out. He has these pictures of people with cheesy smiles on the walls. I would be much more impressed with a Van Gogh print or something.

I finally turned in my IRB form for my honors thesis (again). I was so nervous. I hate paperwork. I wish I could just do experiments without anyone approving them.

So, I said goodbye to my red shoes today. One had a hole in the bottom. I didn't want their life to be completely wasted, so I took one apart. There were these card-stock kind of layers in the heel and the toe to keep them from just smooshing around. There were also a few layers of gauzy stuff, for insulation I suppose. There were only two pieces of metal in the whole thing, and they were little round bits to hold the rubber part to the part under where the insole is glued. Um... yeah, it was fun.

Shoes

I have a thing about shoes. It's not a fetish, because they don't sexually arouse me, but I definitely appreciate a good-looking shoe. One example is the male dress shoe, particularly the black Oxford type. They are just so darn attractive, it seems like a normal-looking person wearing good-looking shoes can gain about 50 hotness points just by wearing the right kind of footwear.

I'm not sure why I like leather foot coverings so much. I remember in particular an instance where my attraction increased curiously to a nice pair of shoes. Back in high school, I played flute. The kid who played piccolo sat next to me, and we were friends. He was also gay, so there was no way I was going to have a crush on him. Yet when he wore his black oxfords to a concert, I thought, "Wow. Those shoes have made you extremely attractive, even though your sexual orientation decreases your attractiveness to me." I didn't say that though. I probably said something like "nice shoes." I remember being so disappointed that he actually didn't like the shoes that much.

Brown oxfords are also really good-looking. I especially like the 70s type shoe (or maybe it's a 60s style?) where the shape of the sole is like those old-school footprints in Carmen San Diego or something like that (you remember that game, don't you?). I was watching some Franz Ferdinand music videos the other day, and one of the band members was wearing a pair, with those long, thin dress socks and probably like a shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a thin black tie with a vest. Um... yeah, it was really hot. You have to have the right hairstyle to go with it though. While oxford shoes can redeem someone with a crew cut, they look much better on someone with a haircut that has some bangs or something. Like the Beatles or someone.

I'm not really sure which color brown I prefer, although I suppose it really depends on the pants. The darker brown to my left here would go nicely with khaki, dark brown, or maybe even navy pants. The lighter brown above would go swell with some olive pants. Ones that aren't too baggy. Actually, I think they would go well with anything. I almost want a pair for myself, although that would drastically decrease the novelty of hot shoes. Oh man. I wish all the guys I knew had nice shoes so I'd have something good to look at when I talk to him. Erm... I mean, I always make eye contact when I'm talking to a guy. ;-)

Fish Soup

I fell asleep reading my science textbook, and then when my roommate woke me up at 6 I didn't know if it was morning or night. I was so confused.

I have not had any epiphanies this week. I am getting sick of my classes. It would be pretty fun to take off a semester, except not for very long. Every now and then I get sick of the research they do at my work. Like it's going to make a difference.

Sometimes I think that people caught up in alternative medicine are weird. Like every physical problem you have is correlated with a mental problem. I just think that's kind of silly. I'm pretty close-minded I guess. I wonder if my professor reads my blog...

I want a day off, except I am terrified of missing class. To me it's like a sin. Especially since that class time is coming from tithing funds... although if I missed one day of a 3-credit class it would probably be okay, since if I had 3 less credits tuition would cost the same amount. Did that make sense?

I am getting worse at whistling. Sad.

Behavioral Engineering

"I'd just read an article that I'd always meant to write, and I was quite unhappy. But the tracts on Jealousy cured me immediately. They're little masterpieces in behavioral engineering. As a matter of fact, I wrote them." -Frazier, Walden Two

hahaha... interesting how we can cure ourselves.

Pretend someone else wrote this

Data complained that I don't write enough about him on my blog. He's my boyfriend.

Data has yet to go on a mission. That means that our relationship has little hope for a future. We agreed not to have an exclusive relationship. He's very good to me, but we're breaking up at the end of the semester. Sometimes I wish he were an RM. Then things would be different, maybe. Since I know we're going to be estranged, I'm already looking for a replacement, as horrible as that sounds. I'm constantly torn between expressing my affection and repressing it. In my reluctance to admit my conflict, I often say nothing about it. I mean, it really doesn't matter in the long run. Either way, the outcome will be the same.

I don't like joking about Data on my blog. I like my entries to be light-hearted, and if I started writing about how my grandpa is sick or my dad is out of a job, or I got an A on a paper, it just kills the tone. I think the same thing goes for writing about actual relationships. I'll write about them in my real journal, but a blog? No. Some aspects of my life are going to remain personal (although I think I violated that rule of mine in the above paragraph). My blog is selective for a reason: I like to control the information people have about my internet persona. I like distorting the image of myself to something drastically different from who I actually am. I like appearing flirty, thoughtful, and socially ept, even though the opposite is frequently true.

I also feel embarrassed about mentioning readers on my blog. It's just awkward. I mean, if they already read my blog, they don't need to know about the things I did with them, since they were there. Also, it could infringe on their freedom to create an internet persona for themselves. Maybe I shouldn't have quoted Tangerine's shocking advice about getting over a kissing phobia. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned my presence at the Board booth. To me it's fine to mention people who will never read my blog, but to mention readers, or even people my readers know... that's something I'm not as comfortable with. Maybe it's just me.

Variation

So, Uffish and I went and got contracts for the place we're going to be living in during S/S. I'm excited. It's a house! With its own little mailbox! Optimus Prime and his wife will be living in the basement beneath us... so we could have some pretty awesome Board parties. Hopefully I'll be able to manage my social life and academic life, unlike I am doing now. I'm leaving more things until the last minute... and I don't even care that much. That kind of thing scares me, because previously I've been very aware and diligent in my schoolwork. I still feel like education is mostly a farce.

So addendum to previous acronym: CAPS is more of a CA?PS. And if I didn't know better, I'd say he's trying to avoid me. He just doesn't know that he's madly in love with me yet... (I say these kinds of things to make myself feel better... just so you know that I'm completely aware of my self-deception). Perhaps CA?PS should now be CUPS (Cute Uninterested Professor's Son). That's the problem with human variables: they change based on one's knowledge of them.

Sentimental

So tonight we had a ward dance, which was somewhat fun... but also awkward. I felt like I was out of the loop and not exactly the coolest. It was a great contrast to when I caught the tail end of a Board party later that night. I don't know... all the Board members are familiar faces, funny, and know who I am. I felt so much more comfortable, and I really enjoyed myself. It's like we're a somewhat dysfunctional, large family. Perhaps I like groups of fifteen as opposed to groups of seventy... but I felt at home with my fellow Boardies. This sounds really cheesy, but it kind of feels like when I move away and change classes, the Board will still be there for me. Hopefully my role as an answerer won't define the rest of me... but I like it, more than a lot of other things I've done. I'll be sad to leave when I graduate next year.

...boring post...

We had the Board booth today. I wore a paper bag and a tie. The RRRR raffled a can of soup. We had trivia contests.

I also went to a presentation by Dr. Slife. It made me feel all existential about science. That feeling is uncomfortable. I like my niche of empiricism.

I changed the layout of my blog today. I like it better now. It's green. It also doesn't feel like a zillion other blogs. A little customization goes a long way. I found a really neat picture (see above) on an old friend's blog. It's gorgeous. Especially if I could fit it in in the original dimensions.

Sadness

I am devastated.

My senior year of high school, I took AP Biology. Everyone had a hard time with this concept called the "action potential." I too had difficulty understanding this concept. So, I made a movie using artpad.art.com's beautiful software. I emailed it to my teacher, and he even showed the class, where I was a 5-second celebrity for my skills. He said it was "pretty damn good."

Flash forward. I am now in a neuroscience class where we are learning about action potential. Hoping to benefit from my high school insanity/devotion, I find the link again in my old, old email. I click. I wait. I turn the speed up to "high." Nothing happens. Could they have erased my masterpiece? I turn to the terms of service:

"Art.com reserves the right at any time to change, modify, add to, discontinue or retire any aspect or feature of the Website or ArtPad including but not limited to storage of the Content, email capabilities, access, server capacity or ability to use on any particular device or communications service."

Why? Why should such a great service be rendered educationally useless?

Tell me if you find a sweet action potential movie.

Research Angst

So I spent the last hour trying to figure out what this article I'm reading was about. I tried to have fun with it. I looked up some of the measures they used and even took them myself (yeah, they were on depression, so... that was depressing). I couldn't find all of them though. I've found that when I want to really understand something THOROUGHLY, I feel like I have to look up every reference and measure and have it in my hands before I REALLY understand it. I guess I'm pretty literal that way. I mean... I rarely actually do look up references, but I also rarely feel like I understand the professional articles I read.

So the ward missionaries came tonight and manipulated me into committing to go to the referral center this Sunday. At least they were cute... but I was in such a bad mood from fruitlessly efforting over that article that I was quite rude. Example:

Man: I don't know why, but I always feel elated after going to the referral center.

Me: It fits into the opponent-process theory of emotion. The a-process is your anxiety of going to the referral center, and the b-process is opposing elation formed to offset the a-process. When the anxiety is gone, you're left with the b-process: elation. It's just like skydiving.

Yeah... I'm kind of a jerk sometimes. I feel bad about that. But after studying behaviorism, sometimes I just feel like everything can be explained somehow and we don't need to wonder why we feel a certain way or not. That's one of the puzzles I feel with life: why do things make sense when I analyze them, but then I'm not satisfied with those explanations? Having logical emotions doesn't make them any more pleasant.

Also, I had the pleasure this morning of attending another research meeting, at which I feel completely useless, and I don't even know why I'm going, other than to make myself even more famous. I guess it's fun to be "in the know" about research in the Taylor building... but seriously, am I going to have a career in this stuff? Even if I do, why should I care about being "successful"? I don't think I can make a difference even with my impressive effort.

POWER

I get a trip on power. Today at work I realized I have admin rights. I'm still a little scared to see just how far my power extends (after all, that would mean it has limits), but today I found a new feature of my power, should I wish to wield it. It's not just at work either. In my childhood and adolescence, I would often press my friends to tell me who they had crushes on. Once I extricated this information from them, I could use it to tease them or threaten to reveal their secret. Watching them squirm as I held a thing of power - a name - was highly enjoyable to me. Sometimes I can make guys squirm just by lightly flirting with them, which is also amusing to me.

Of course, sometimes I am on the receiving end of the squirming. My friends don't really have holds on me this way, but my professors know how to make me blush. It is the oddest thing. I like the attention I get when I'm teased, but I feel so helpless sometimes that I wish to avenge my embarrassment. The only reason they have such power over me is that I care about what they and others think. Ah, how simple.

NT

Oh. My. Goodness. I am even a bigger nerd than I ever thought possible. I just finished making a spreadsheet (a spreadsheet!) of the number of times the General Authorities cited the New Testament, Book of Mormon, and D&C/PGP. I should have included the OT in there too, because now I feel like it wasn't complete. But here's some of the data (don't use any of this for anything official, chances are I miscounted a few):

BoM

NT

D&C/PGP

TOTAL

TOTAL	179	147	120	446
RATIO	0.4	0.33	0.27
Pages	531	403	336
RATIO	0.34	0.36	0.36

This is so exciting! I like it when I can think I'm doing original research!

Breaking Things

I am really a fan of taking things apart, even if it involves breaking them. Hopefully this doesn't reflect the way I interact with others or myself... but ripping plastic does give me a sense of power.

Materials:
1 hopeless watch
1 Responsive Innovations response card (that is useless to me)
needle-nose pliers
small screwdrivers
pocket knife
pocket wrench

I attacked the response card first. I couldn't get the screw off, so I pried off the plastic backing in pieces. The batteries came out nicely (they're lithium Toshibas), but getting the electronic card out from the plastic was a little more challenging. They had screwed it in so the heads of the screws were facing the inside. I pried those off too. Next came the watch. I screwed off the back and found, happily, that the battery inside matched those I had just extracted from the response card. After figuring out how to take off the aluminum clasp I changed the battery, but that didn't help the watch (it must have been because I needed to touch it with AC current for 2 seconds... yeah, I don't have that around). So I gave up on fixing it and took it apart. I was happy to get to the crystal part... er... electronic screen part. Fun fun fun.



Wait... that was a complete waste of 100 minutes! What the heck? What am I DOING? Ugh...