There's a place in the Old Testament where Jeremiah tells his people that they will be in bondage for the rest of their life. He had just confronted a false prophet who was telling the people that they would be freed from bondage in two years. Jeremiah told the people that they won’t be free for another three generations, so they should start putting down roots–both in the form of orchards and in starting a family. God then reassures them that he will visit them after the “seventy years,” a shorthand for three generations.
I think of how hard that must have been for the Judah (the portion of the children of Israel in bondage). They didn't want to accept that they would be enslaved(?) for the rest of their lives. Who would want to accept that?
An anonymous author on Meatball Wiki wrote on the page for LongNow:
To plant a vineyard or orchard is an act of faith that everything will still be OK decades hence.
When I read that quote, I immediately connected it to the story in Jeremiah. I thought of how much faith Judah must have had to say, "I believe you, I will settle down and believe that everything will still be okay even though we're in a situation that at first glance, seems untenable." I cried a little bit (thankfully, my student employees were still on break). Because I am in bondage to my mental illness.
I was recently diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). OCD can manifest in a lot of different ways. They start with a normal thought -> action resolution. Hands are dirty, clean them until they don't feel dirty anymore. Feel bad about something you said to someone, apologize, feel better. Except with OCD, the "feel better" part is never complete.
I don't have obsessions about contamination as OCD is frequently portrayed (compulsive handwashing, wearing gloves, etc.). My obsessions center around my self-worth, wanting to know if other people are okay with me, wanting God to make sense, and wanting to understand myself. Most of these obsessions center around "what if" questions. My therapist described these kind of obsessive loops as "rabbit holes" where "the more you think, the more confused you get."
My compulsions seems to come in three main flavors that I have identified so far: apologizing, confessing, and reassurance-seeking. This is one example of an OCD loop with confession:
Here is an example of one with wondering whether or not I have OCD:
OCD is all in my head. That means that the cure is also all in my head. Breaking an OCD loop centers around stopping the obsession or stopping the compulsion. Stopping an obsessive thought means for me, recognizing when I am going into a rabbit hole and choosing to disengage by distracting myself (preferably with something neutral or productive). Stopping a compulsion means recognizing that when I feel like I have to do something, that it is probably a compulsion, and therefore I should make an effort to not do it. One of my problems is that the feeling of being compelled to do something is exactly the same as the feeling I have associated with the "promptings of the holy ghost." This is a giant problem and I am trying not to freak out about it. Luckily, there are multiple avenues to receiving revelation. I will just assume that the holy ghost will not communicate with me anymore in the way that my compulsions manifest.
People have told me that I have good insight into myself. It is something I am actually very bad at. That is one reason it took me so long to figure out that I have OCD. Another reason is because the stupid obsessions that OCD puts into my brain feel real and rational in the moment, and the compulsions sort of work. Another reason is because my OCD is mild compared to some people's. But as I learn more about OCD, I recognize more of it in my past. There is a certain way of thinking that is common with OCD sufferers, which maybe I'll get into in another post; the short version is, I used to pride myself in not being a black-and-white thinker, but my thinking actually defaults to black-and-white thinking most of the time. It can be difficult for me to accept uncertainty, paradox, and contradictions.
OCD is not something that I will ever be completely cured of. That is why I cried when I realized that Judah had to plant orchards while they were in bondage--because that is what I must do as well.
My friend Camilla is an artist. She is open about how scrupulosity, a form of religious OCD, affects her art. This piece is about how her OCD will be with her forever.
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| Camilla Stark, "This Will Be With You Forever," 2021 piece in that business card art show in Provo |
