I reflect briefly on 2 things

Two things:

1. Sometimes I catch myself taking it personally if a student doesn't try or do well on an assignment. Like, I think they think they're being a punk or something, when actually some of them just don't care enough to try that hard. The hard part is when a student has really tried but still doesn't quite get it right. Then I think that I'm not a very good teacher.

2. It's kind of fun bonding to talk to friends about my romance life (or lack thereof?), but sometimes I'm afraid that it just intensifies my emotions, or creates artificial expectations. But, it's something to talk about that isn't grad school or the class I'm teaching.

it's just stress

This week I've had some of those moments where I just feel upset about everything. I had one of those days where I would just cry about anything, like if someone glared at me. And at first I attributed it to my breakup, but I realized that sometimes I just feel really inadequate in my grad program. And not just inadequate - like I don't even like it enough for it to be causing me this much stress. So I'm considering that maybe the PhD route isn't for me. I enjoy reading and thinking smart things about literature, but I don't know if I like the whole politics of academia. The stupid thing is that anywhere I work there will be politics I'll have to think about. And you know, maybe I'll like it better once I get more comfortable with the lingo and find a professor who thinks I have a chance to CHANGE THE WORLD through literary analysis. Wooo literary superheroes!

Oh freshmen

In reading through freshmen papers, I am often amused.

On the honor code: "without it the gospel would not be the same."
"the conundrum to this solution..."
"I expected to meet and date hundreds of young men."

More as I find them.

Joke time

Q: What do you call a guy who hurts himself being manly?

A: A Machochist.

In which I feel a little down.

I don't know if I like grad school or not. Everyone else is just as smart as I am so I have to put more effort in to stand out, and I don't even know if I care enough or if it's worth it. I don't feel like literary analysis is going to change the world. I feel like it's just another venue of entertainment for me, but one that takes a little more work to have fun with. I want to have more time to just read what I want to read and then bring my ideas about it to a table. It would be nice to have a class like that, I think. Free readings in conjunction with theory, that could be fantastic. While grad school is potentially more personally satisfying than my last job, it is still stressful.

I feel inadequate as my job as a teacher. I am teaching writing and I haven't even had a writing class for several years. Supposedly my admittance to the program speaks of my writing competence, but I have my doubts. I haven't read the research on what classroom activities are best to assist learning. I don't know what types of comments will help my students learn how to write. I'm afraid that I will discourage freshmen. I want them to learn how much they have yet to learn, even if they took AP classes.

I also broke up with Crow. Well, we had been talking about it a little over the past few weeks. I'm a little sad to let go, but we were to the point where there was nothing else we could do. I mean, not like my romantic life is worthy of note. I always feel awkward blogging about it; it's personal to me... but I also realize that people want updates on my life, and he was a significant player in my life recently. Maybe he still will be. Why do I try to force things to happen? Would my baseline behaviors (without goals/desires) be inadequate to live a righteous life? I don't understand. I mean, in the end, who cares about post-modernism. I just want to start my own family in the next decade or so.