monologue with myself as audience

Ah, so writing this paper is easier to postpone than I anticipated (you know, the writing sample for grad school). I feel like I'm out of ideas, but really I should concentrate on fleshing out the ideas I already have. I'm a little worried that I'll finish it and think it's genius and then everyone else will be like, "obviously you haven't taken any college English lit classes!" But this is a fear I need to face.

I'm becoming more conscious of my wardrobe: I have gotten to the point where I know some of my clothes are just ugly, now I need to find replacements for them, which will probably take a while considering that a) I don't go shopping a lot and b) I'm not just full of money right now (also my weight is in a state of flux? My job is seriously horrible for me controlling what I eat). But I think if I were to say I was going for a certain style, it would be European (that sounds better than old-manish or geriatric). Speaking of being like an old person - I have been sleeping like 10-12 hours every night this break. No wonder I'm like, "where did my day go?" I'm not sure if that qualifies for hypersomnia or not (especially if I can wake up earlier if I want to). Sleeping just seems more fun than most of the things I do.

indifference

Ataraxy

feels like an empty glass
about to go though the wash
a long silence
no one breaks
a passionate poem -
untranslated
or an unopened
love letter.

Mirror's Edge

Dude, if I were more of a hard-core gamer I would be all over Mirror's Edge. According to Wired, it effectively hacks proprioception, meaning that when you run, you as a gamer feel like you're running. Unfortunately the game is from EA and has gross DRM malware. You know what that means. I still have to beat Chrono Trigger, FFVII, and Beyond Good and Evil (oh, and I haven't even started Deus Ex).

See youtube for gameplay shots.

Anarchism disappoints

Here is my newest website find: http://www.alibris.com/. They have used books for way cheaper than the Amazon marketplace, usually. I totally bought 5 books from them the other day (and they'll be cool old paperbacks, too).

I recently re-watched "Fight Club." Unfortunately Provo fight clubs have been outlawed, so I can't go watch it live (however consusual fighting is not against the honor code, in case you were wondering). Besides the psychological contortionism that the plot requires, I'm intrigued by, well, the anarchism. I think it's one of those things (breaking rules, petty vandalism, blowing things up) that feels so cool and fun in the moment but never accomplishes things. So the thing I need to do is find something that feels cool and accomplishes something. Perhaps - anarchistic service? Oh wait, I already write for the Board! I guess I'll just continue in my poor consumerism. Why am I such a tool?

Also, I wonder if Palahaniuk (author of the book Fight Club) had some inspiration, say, from all the existentialist philosophers that preceded him? Beckett's "Ohio Impromptu" also uses a hallucination character.

my little slaves

I think I'm coming down with something. Basically I'm friggin' cold all the time and all I want to do is sleep. Also: I never, ever want to get a messy divorce after seeing all the unhappy divorced people at work and their kids. Granted, I only see the high-conflict divorces, but still, talk about inconvenient/a major pain in one's life.

So being tired for unknown reasons I've had a lot more of those moments when I suddenly feel like, unreal, that I'm just a pair of eyes and my hands don't even belong to me. You know what I'm talking about - minor, everyday dissociation kind of thing. I wonder how paralyzed people feel about their bodies? I mean, I can move my hands and sometimes they feel like they're not me but my little slaves.

Also, I've decided that some day I want to learn contact juggling, or at least some slight-of-hand. It would be so useful. Do you know of any good primers? I should spend some time on youtube. Or maybe I could figure it out myself?

irrelevent

Everything seems irrelevent, but not in a bad way. Years from now no one will care what books I read or what movies I saw. But in the moment I read them, it makes me appreciate beauty at times, at other times crudeness or sadness. So it matters, in that I feel art helps me be more broad-minded, at least emotionally, but at the same time maybe some other things are more important.

But is it the moment's joy that matters, or how I'll feel looking back on it? Will I remember how important I thought these things are?