Behavioral Engineering

"I'd just read an article that I'd always meant to write, and I was quite unhappy. But the tracts on Jealousy cured me immediately. They're little masterpieces in behavioral engineering. As a matter of fact, I wrote them." -Frazier, Walden Two

hahaha... interesting how we can cure ourselves.

Pretend someone else wrote this

Data complained that I don't write enough about him on my blog. He's my boyfriend.

Data has yet to go on a mission. That means that our relationship has little hope for a future. We agreed not to have an exclusive relationship. He's very good to me, but we're breaking up at the end of the semester. Sometimes I wish he were an RM. Then things would be different, maybe. Since I know we're going to be estranged, I'm already looking for a replacement, as horrible as that sounds. I'm constantly torn between expressing my affection and repressing it. In my reluctance to admit my conflict, I often say nothing about it. I mean, it really doesn't matter in the long run. Either way, the outcome will be the same.

I don't like joking about Data on my blog. I like my entries to be light-hearted, and if I started writing about how my grandpa is sick or my dad is out of a job, or I got an A on a paper, it just kills the tone. I think the same thing goes for writing about actual relationships. I'll write about them in my real journal, but a blog? No. Some aspects of my life are going to remain personal (although I think I violated that rule of mine in the above paragraph). My blog is selective for a reason: I like to control the information people have about my internet persona. I like distorting the image of myself to something drastically different from who I actually am. I like appearing flirty, thoughtful, and socially ept, even though the opposite is frequently true.

I also feel embarrassed about mentioning readers on my blog. It's just awkward. I mean, if they already read my blog, they don't need to know about the things I did with them, since they were there. Also, it could infringe on their freedom to create an internet persona for themselves. Maybe I shouldn't have quoted Tangerine's shocking advice about getting over a kissing phobia. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned my presence at the Board booth. To me it's fine to mention people who will never read my blog, but to mention readers, or even people my readers know... that's something I'm not as comfortable with. Maybe it's just me.

Variation

So, Uffish and I went and got contracts for the place we're going to be living in during S/S. I'm excited. It's a house! With its own little mailbox! Optimus Prime and his wife will be living in the basement beneath us... so we could have some pretty awesome Board parties. Hopefully I'll be able to manage my social life and academic life, unlike I am doing now. I'm leaving more things until the last minute... and I don't even care that much. That kind of thing scares me, because previously I've been very aware and diligent in my schoolwork. I still feel like education is mostly a farce.

So addendum to previous acronym: CAPS is more of a CA?PS. And if I didn't know better, I'd say he's trying to avoid me. He just doesn't know that he's madly in love with me yet... (I say these kinds of things to make myself feel better... just so you know that I'm completely aware of my self-deception). Perhaps CA?PS should now be CUPS (Cute Uninterested Professor's Son). That's the problem with human variables: they change based on one's knowledge of them.

Sentimental

So tonight we had a ward dance, which was somewhat fun... but also awkward. I felt like I was out of the loop and not exactly the coolest. It was a great contrast to when I caught the tail end of a Board party later that night. I don't know... all the Board members are familiar faces, funny, and know who I am. I felt so much more comfortable, and I really enjoyed myself. It's like we're a somewhat dysfunctional, large family. Perhaps I like groups of fifteen as opposed to groups of seventy... but I felt at home with my fellow Boardies. This sounds really cheesy, but it kind of feels like when I move away and change classes, the Board will still be there for me. Hopefully my role as an answerer won't define the rest of me... but I like it, more than a lot of other things I've done. I'll be sad to leave when I graduate next year.

...boring post...

We had the Board booth today. I wore a paper bag and a tie. The RRRR raffled a can of soup. We had trivia contests.

I also went to a presentation by Dr. Slife. It made me feel all existential about science. That feeling is uncomfortable. I like my niche of empiricism.

I changed the layout of my blog today. I like it better now. It's green. It also doesn't feel like a zillion other blogs. A little customization goes a long way. I found a really neat picture (see above) on an old friend's blog. It's gorgeous. Especially if I could fit it in in the original dimensions.