Gmail!

Whistler: hey are you going to answer that question about kissing phobia?

Quandary: i wasn't planning on it

why do you ask?

Whistler: because it seems like one of those ones that's fun to answer

wouldn't want you to miss out on it

Quandary: lol

yes but i don't know what i would answer

you have a nice answer though

Whistler: that was a funny question

Tangerine: i thought so too

I'm kind of hoping that it gets some funnier answers

Whistler: I was going to put something like "I give lessons, wink wink" but I thought it would be too blase

Tangerine: haha

Whistler: plus I don't know the gender of the questioner

Tangerine: you could do it as "the Supershrink"

;)

Whistler: lol... but then how would I break it to the poor reader

that I'm actually a girl

Tangerine: yeah, that's true

haha. well, you know readers hardly ever take you up on those sorts of things

i think it would be funny

Whistler: I know!

I think I will do it then

Tangerine: or even make up an entirely new alias

Whistler: oh, readers hate new aliases

too many to keep track of

Whistler: I don't know who would pay $147 fot that movie

educational video

Tangerine: haha. whatever

they should just go out and kiss somebody

get it over with

Dream

I have a cough. It's really nothing to complain about, especially compared with this one girl who was out for about a month with meningitis (I guess she caught it from herself a few times... how sad!). I like having an excuse to be grumpy, get more sleep, and slack off.

I had a strange dream last night. I was playing chess with one of my professors in the spring outside the HFAC. I was winning - my king was completely surrounded by pawns (so it was safe!), and I had a queen to take out the king. I looked away for a moment and suddenly my professor had taken a knight and put it on the board to checkmate me (okay, I don't think that really could have happened in that situation, but it is a dream after all). Later I dreamt that a classmate of mine was fainting, and I was like "it's a vasovagal response" (I'm a nerd even in my dreams). Then I was stuck in a room, and there was going to be a recital, and my professor told me I was supposed to play the Poulenc sonata. I was like, "let me go get my flute... do I have an accompanist?" And then I thought about how bad I would sound. I was relieved to wake up.

Maybe this dream means that I feel like my professor always has some kind of trump card over me, and that it isn't fair. I also feel like I have to do what my professors tell me to do, even if I'm bad at it or disagree with knowledge I have to apply.

I've been listening to Death Cab for Cutie's "Someday You Will Be Loved." It's a sad song, yet optimistic. Like a dove dying into a better day, or a bluebird without wings dreaming about flying.

Abstract

"As ever, things did not go entirely as the therapist had anticipated. "

This is from an actual psychology abstract. Hahaha!

Rejection

*at the ORCA office in the ASB*

Whistler: Um, I'm here to pick up my rejected IRB approval.
Random businessmen: Actually we're not with the university but this one guy should be able to help you in a minute.
*minute passes* *guy walks in*
Random businessmen: This student here needs some assistance.
Whistler: Um, I'm here to pick up my preliminarily rejected IRB application.
Guy: Oh, let's see if it's here anywhere. The secretary said she'd have it after break...
Whistler: Oh. Okay.
Guy: Are you sure? I could look some more.
Whistler: No, it's fine. I'll just get it after the break.

*walks out of office thinking, "That was SO humiliating!"*

My IRB approval was rejected preliminarily today. I was quite unhappy about it. I don't know why I feel pressured to get my honors thesis done - I started early so I wouldn't get stressed out about it like this. I just keep thinking about how my mentor trusted me to write it up well, and I trusted what I wrote a few months ago, why didn't I read over it and not waste the time of others? So that was unhappy. I did finish my reading on fixed role therapy though. It was pretty interesting. Fixed role therapy is when you write a one-page characterization of yourself and your therapist looks at it and writes a characterization of someone it would be good for you to pretend to be like. I'm not sure if I agree with the whole idea of pretending to be someone else, but I guess it could be fun.

Nothing original here, sorry

Let's have another angsty post about how I feel phony because I feel like I'm pretending to be something I'm not. Probably because I like taking on identities other than my real one, and not just as a Board writer. Someday I think it would be great to be myself. You know, not just tell people what they want to hear. Well, I'm usually pretty real when it comes to saying what I think, at least in Sunday School. I just feel silly when I introduce myself to people and tell them my major and where I'm from, and then I'm thinking... so this is what defines me for that person at the moment. I just wish there were an easier way to get to know people than talking to them. I'm sure some of them have blogs; that could be an easier way to get to know someone. However, I don't believe that all of a person's self is expressed in what s/he writes.

You know, I really do believe that all the great ideas have been taken, so it's just impossible to be original these days. I suppose that a new expression of these ideas could be original... but I just hate how it seems that research and scholarly essays are just telling us things we've already heard in different ways. I'm not sure why that should bother me, I mean, the scriptures do the same thing and I find it perfectly justified in that context.

In a class of mine we discussed how one way to measure love is to see how quickly werf forgives others. I'm considering this in various situations, and I think that sometimes it is useful to not forgive others right away, mostly so you don't make the same mistakes or fall for the same tricks. Let's say you have a group member who consistently appears to slack off and doesn't come to meetings, but you feel sorry for him so you forgive him, and then no justice is done because he gets credit for all the work you've done. Is it better in this case to not forgive, to complain to TAs and your professor, and to make sure this member gets no credit? Maybe loving others isn't the smartest thing (but it feels nicer than holding grudges).

Trials

I like to listen to classical music in the dark. Sometimes I fall asleep while listening.

While reading through some of my posts, I noticed that I sound like a ditz. Or shall I say, someone excited by trivial things who knows little of suffering. I suppose that's an accurate snapshot of myself. When people say how they think their trials are the worst ever, or that life is so hard, I think, "gee, I must not be a very strong person if God hasn't tried me too much... either that or I'm really going to get it later." My "trials" are usually over silly things - doing well in a difficult class, getting along with manipulative people, overcoming laziness, restraining my nosiness when it comes to sensitive information, etc., etc. It's nothing like what other people have to deal with - I don't seem to have problems with loved ones dying, addiction, debt, or morality (unless you count general flirtiness, which I believe is justified in someone of my age). I suppose my real challenge will be avoiding mediocrity, and not judging others unjustly. I am really quite mediocre sometimes.

Therma

I bought a thermometer for $3.00 today! This is amazing! I love having a thermometer! Sometimes when I'm feeling down, I'll take my temperature, and if it's not a fever or anything I'll think, "Whistler, you are such a fine specimen." Somehow knowing my temperature makes me feel better. Maybe because it's reassuring me that I'm still alive.