...

I just called a guy and asked him out on his message machine. I am such a dork. Hopefully my social ineptitude is endearing. >_<

So, I was reading all about sex in my abnormal psychology textbook, and I was like, "gee, that sounds fun!" But then the next day our bishop gave us all a chastity talk, so then I was like, "oh yeah, sex is more than having fun." Then I read a post about how fun labor is, and then I was like, "man, that does not sound fun." Um... nevermind...

Choking

I set my clocks back Friday night, which was a mistake. All of Saturday I had difficulty with simple time-math. It was weird, because it was like time didn't really matter.

I was trying to eat lunch quickly today, and a piece of pumpkin spice cake got stuck in my throat. I tried to wash it down with some water, but unfortunately it didn't go down all the way and I started coughing and gasping for breath. What's worse is that I was at "linger longer," and someone noticed that I wasn't doing so well with the breathing thing and got me some napkins, and I survived to tell the tale. It was frightening because it felt like I was drowning on a piece of food. It kind of feels like it was just a bad dream. This whole day has felt dream-like. Looking back on it anyways.

Do you ever get those times when you look at your life and think, "Am I really living this, or am I going to wake up soon?" Or days when you have deja vu a lot and it seems like maybe you lived it all before? I find Slaughter-House Five intriguing for the reason that time is non-linear in it, kind of. I have a feeling that time isn't linear but it just appears that way to us. But it seems like if time were not linear, we would be unable to grow, as growth requires change contingent upon the previous minute, hour, or year.

Yay!

I feel really happy. Ephemeral and fleeting, but let's revel in it while it lasts! I took all my tests I needed to take by today, yay! The leaves in the grass look beautiful, but they look even prettier on my forest green jacket. I like skipping and whistling. I'm having so much fun teasing my friends. I have lots of candy in my room. If I play my cards right, I'll get to flirt with my mentor's son this weekend. heehee! I like smiling at strangers. I think it's good practice. I probably have lots of work to do. Oh joy! I got nine hours of sleep last night! I'm so amused. hahaha...

Why are we supposed to be monogamous? I mean, why can't everyone enjoy my love? Why all the limits? I wonder if God has more than one wife. I'm such a heretic.

Destineddddd

So does God know everything we are going to do? Does he care if I wear my blue shirt or my white one? Does he know if we will be saved or not? Maybe he sees time in a fourth dimension.

Magnetic Poetry

I received some magnetic poetry recently. The results are odd:

create dead book
pour seed above
expose genius

wail that day
soul could not eat
cold bleed her
trap his time
end like my own life will
say yes you good girl

investigate bad spy play

read pages
are my mouth
conscious after tremendous word
ghost howl
lone who was free

experience naked grammar
voice obedient dictionary
take one lime tree

manipulate white bone
ask but don't burn
never fear inspiration

how holy grace feels

prostitute transgress beauty

find truth
use poet

you did elaborate manuscript too
but would hot soup
spur brain down

Bible Dictionary Study

Today I read through a ton of Bible Dictionary entries. I really liked the ones under Fear and Temple (and Devil, oddly enough). Here's some quotes I'd like to share (sorry if it's boring, but I was interested).

Under "Devil": "One of the major techniques of the devil is to cause human beings to think they are following God's ways, when in reality they are being deceived by the devil to follow other paths." Wow, scary.

Under "Temple": "Only the home can compare with the temple in sacredness." Wow, this is amazing. It almost makes me want to get married and have a family right away (but other things should come first, like, growing up).

Under "Fear": "Sin destroys the feeling of confidence God's child should feel in a loving Father, and produces instead a feeling of shame or guilt."

I hope you feel educated; I do.

Mysterious!

Things that Increase Mystique:

• Being a member of a secret organization
• Having secret meetings
• Flirting with freshmen (especially the one's who haven't a clue who you are)
  
• Mentioning things angularly (I can't think of the word but it's when you refer to something vaguely)
• Mentioning failed love affairs vaguely
• Having friends who don't know your other friends
• Knowing and alluding to other people's secrets (but never telling them)
• Alluding to schisms
• Getting choked up over seemingly benign associations (oh, not Napoleon...)
• Receiving strange packages in the mail
• Wearing dark glasses and reading from old books

So.... Mystique=f(withheld information)

mwah ha ha...

anything to add to my list?

Facade

In answering a question
I purport to know the answer.
In lingering and partying
I show a confident air.
In my trivial love affairs
I like to say, "I don't care!"
While in conversation
I'm the pinnacle of perfection -
but knock down my keystone of arrogance,
my pride of never disappointing,
and I crumble into a pitiful heap -
I try to answer, and I turn out wrong,
children make fun of my attempts to be social,
I smile coyly, but he doesn't smile back,
and my sentence construction and articulation
become incoherent shadows of a lost pride.

(Plainspeech: I pretend to know, but I don't
I pretend I'm popular, but I'm not
I pretend I don't care, and then I do
I pretend I'm confident, but inside a critique crumbles me.)

:-( = f(circumstance? how dumb!)

I'm worried that perhaps I AM finding my limit. It's not that I have a lot of work to do all the time, but I have lots of little things to do for lots of classes/jobs/volunteer slavery. I'm wasting more time in hopes of alleviating stress but it just makes it worse.

I think I've cried twice in the past two months (that's a lot for me). I like expressing my sadness in criticism and sarcasm, not tears. So today I screwed up on someone else's project at work and I was really disappointed in myself. It was kind of embarrassing because I didn't want my superior who was informing me about this on the phone to know. I mean, it wasn't even that big of a deal, I was just choked up because my physical condition is less than optimal. But it BOTHERS me when I break down like that, because it's always about something stupid/trivial. When really bad/sad things happen, it's like it never happened. Sometimes I'll try to cry about big things (like, oh, breaking up, or horrible things happening in other countries, or listening to a really sad song), but it rarely happens. Basically I lack control over my emotions, and I just let them run around like a puppy, and this is frustrating to me.